Sunday, May 18, 2014

"I hope you're all happy seeing me at my lowest!"

For a long time, I believed I one day would have a happy relationship and a happy marriage in spite of everything that has ever happened to me. My dad, who committed suicide about a month ago (Easter Sunday 2014 estimated time of death), had sexually abused me for years. 

In spite of that, I wasn't going to let what my dad did to me get me down. I was going to make it. However, I wound up dating a lot of men who felt badly about their own lives. Therefore, any chance they could criticize me and say things to me after which I felt incompetent as a potential mother, they would. 

Then, I even had one family member try to tell me how incompetent I am. I'm so tired of it. I really am. I'm done with people shining their flashflight on all my faults. Deal with your own life and your own issues!

I'm not suicidal like my dad, but I do get discouraged by people's words. 

And, I'll be honest. I am extremely angry about the things people say. Who do you think you are? What do you really know about me? How often do you even try to talk to me? 

The only thing I have in response to it is this: I hope you're happy pushing people down just because you feel bad. I hope you got great joy out of seeing someone else miserable. 

Also, to all the people out there - especially men I dated -- with all your 20-something girlfriends or your wives and kids, and anyone else who's ever judged me: I hope you're happy. You got the thrill of wanting to put me down so you can feel better about you. However, just so you know, I don't think you're any more deserving of what you have than I am!

But I'm sorry, too!
If in the process of standing up for myself because I'm tired of feeling used and taken advantage of and belittled I said things that hurt other people, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone, either. However, I just no longer want to live my life feeling like people think they're better than me even though they too have problems of their own!