Friday, July 12, 2013

Would I Be Better Off Never Having Loved?

Would I be better off never having loved at all? I think perhaps never having experienced romantic love would've been easier.

Also, I now understand why the guys I dated messed around a lot when they were younger. I get it now. A person can feel lonely and be alone or a person can feel a little less alone with a person he or she may not even love.

In the past the way guys acted frustrated me. I still feel frustrated by it all. Most of them did whatever they wanted when younger then later got married and had kids. I was the opposite. I never messed around when I was younger, been in love a half a dozen times, and now I'm 39 and a half years old, never been married, and never had a child.

However, I already announced to the world on this blog before how unfair that seems to me--having gone all those years not sleeping around and getting almost nothing I wanted while people I knew broke a lot of rules, partied a lot, treated women like sex objects--you name it--and yet they ended up married and I didn't.

I'm (at least for now) not going to focus on how unfair it all seems that when I was with any one of them what they wanted to do was more important that love. Besides, I myself don't feel as though love is as high of a priority as it used to be. Survival, stability and success also matter. 

Now, I'm going to share a concept I pondered for some weeks now: What if I had never loved anyone? What if I don't now?

I actually almost think it would have been/would be easier to have never loved. If I never felt love for anyone, what would I be missing?

Maybe as long as I wasn't some serial killer or child molester or otherwise a physically violent person, I could get buy without love. I could at least get by without romantic love from another person perhaps and just be with just anyone. Why not?

I never rationalized any of this until now. However, things changed for me the past few years. A couple of years back, I was once again rejected by the person I thought was the one. Since then, I cared far less about true than even then.

As far as being rejected a second time by "the one": I shouldn't be surprised. I questioned all along whether or not he only cared about being attractive and not really about being with me.

Not only that, but I may have offended him when I told him a bit about my relationship history. "It's always about some woman who cheated on him and then he uses his kids as an excuse not to get close to anyone and they lure unsuspecting people like me in," I wrote in an e-mail.

At the time I wrote that e-mail, I had issues with two different exes and was very mixed up and afraid to give anyone a chance, so this so-called "one" couldn't really get a second chance from even if that's what he wanted. (We tried being friends after not seeing each other for 17 years, and never dated except the one time in high school over 20 years ago.)

Aside from my ex drama, I noticed a change from this guy who I call--for lack of a better label for him--the "one" after my comment about single dads. When I said that to him, I was dealing with a lot of bitterness about guys sucking me into their web and leaving me with nothing left to give. I spoke out of turn and I never meant this "one" to feel judged.

I can't get into the details, but after the second time I saw him (and in some of our conversations before I saw him the second time) he suddenly changed. I was finally getting closer to being ready to give him a chance, but then he's all of the sudden not into me anymore.

I was concerned at first, but also what could I do? Maybe he really is over me.  I just hope he really was and he's not just ruining my chance to be happy a second time.

Then I thought, Ouch! Not again. This has happened to me so many times--men who want me until they can actually have me then I'm no good. He may have all kinds of good excuses for doing that to me again, but seriously I don't need this. If only he knew I had been through just as much crap as him! Maybe then he'd just grow up and not be so hard on me!

In the past, he would come around and talk to me every now and then over the years, and maybe try to get me to go out on a date with him again. However, he never had the balls to be persistent enough to really show me he wanted another chance another chance--as IF I 'm just one random person on his list! So what does he expect?

Besides, he would always appear lacking in confidence, and that left me unconvinced he'd take his second chance seriously. The sad thing is, (contrary to what his conceited mind may have thought) I wasn't looking for a marriage proposal when I saw him again. All I wanted was to find out if he was interested in the real me or his idea of what who he thought I was. 

Even sadder, he wanted to treat me as if I was only good enough to talk to online and not on a real phone--even after asking me for forgiveness. If I perceived his intention right, maybe all his niceties were nothing but sweet little lies and maybe I really was nothing to him.

Regardless of his reasons to not actually talk to me and not just text me, I just wasn't falling for his excuses. If he can't even find it in his heart to take five minutes out of his busy schedule to call me from his own phone not someone else's as if he's got something to hide, then he has issues. 

And, in my defense, it's not like I ever expected him to want to spend every waking--or sleeping--minute with him! I just thought after all those years of us not seeing each other he'd at least give me that! Even if we were going to just be friends!

So, who knows? Maybe we'll have to not see each other for another 10 or 15 years before he finally gets that I'm tired of men who treat me like some random person.

And if he ever sees this, it's not that I thought he was unworthy, but rather I needed to know how badly he would be willing to fight for me. So far, he's proven to me that he has plenty better to do than to show me he means business, so he can just have a nice life. 

On the other hand, I told he about many things I was ashamed of concerning myself. That's part of it. Still, who was he to judge? Besides, isn't the "bad girl" I am now really what he always wanted me to be anyway? After all, what fun are good girls, right? Good girls are boring. 

And now, I'm questioning how easy life would be if I could just not ever have feelings for anyone EVER again.

I'd be perfectly okay with being single for the rest of my life under on condition--that I never fall in love with or be in love with another living soul for as long as I live. Of all the fantasies about love I ever had, that has to be the wildest. I'd gladly take not being in love or never falling in love again over meeting "prince charming" any day!

God I'm begging you to stop letting me have feelings for people who will just reject me anyway! Please! Just let me have some peace again too! And help me fall for someone who does know I'm the one! For once in my life! I'm so done with all the impostors of the one! I'm done!

I either want to be with the one or never, ever fall in love again! Seriously, God. Give me one these choices or the other--NOT both!