Friday, July 19, 2013

I Want To Forgive, But I Don't Want Them To Be Happy

It's hard to admit this because I used to think I was better than this: 

I want to forgive, but I don't want them to be happy. If I'm hurting, then I want them to hurt inside too. It's only fair. Why should I suffer emotional heartbreak and not them? Why should I have to be all alone and not liking it while they are in happy relationships? It isn't right. Forgiveness is important, but I also want justice. 

I want to forgive, but I also want to be happy

Drawn by using Kids Doodle
If God wants to give any one of them the chance to be happy, then at the very least God could also allow me to have genuine feelings for someone who makes me happy. How many years did God actually expect me to "wish my exes well" and still have contentment even though the people who treated me like crap are now in happy relationships?

None of the men I dated are better than me. They had just as much emotional baggage as I did and always wanted to point fingers at me. Yeah, as if I'm the one with the problem and they can do no wrong! I'm seriously fed up with obsessing over what I did or said that I shouldn't have and examining my own faults. It's time for all of them to  deal with their own issues. 

However, some of them probably won't. They'll go on in life thinking just because some woman out there is willing to marry them that it makes them better than me. Well guess what. It doesn't make them any different than me just because I happen to still be single. 

Besides, they're part of the reason I'm still single. I have to get over the hurt of them treating me like dog dirt before I can ever get married. 

It's amazing how emotionally insecure men really got to me, and I was stupid enough to let them. I should've never let any of them bring me down. That part of the scenario is my own fault. If I had been strong enough to stand my ground and now allow them to treat me like trash, I'd be so much better off than I am right now.