Sunday, June 16, 2013

The End Of My Potential Dad Substitute Relationship, And Other News

I never thought I would wind up dating someone so much older than me. However, about eight years ago I did. The relationship went on for years. It all started because I said to him, "I would never date you because I don't wanna be my friend's mother-in-law." 

Of course, what I really meant was step mother. I was friends with his daughter and she was five years older than me. I was surprised that I was even flirting with him considering our ages.

He told me the age difference wouldn't matter. He was partially right. He had similar taste in rock bands as me even though he was old enough to be my father. He could sing and dance--every woman's dream. Maybe he woulda been someone with whom I'd had a family if I had been born two decades prior to meeting him.

I didn't think I would ever have romantic feelings for someone 25 years my senior. However, he looked good for his age and I figured hanging out with him would be better than pining over my ex fiancé. So, I went to his house to jam--him on guitar and me on keyboard. Then, it was a long, rough road from there.

My Original Intention For Befriending Him

I was attracted to him and eventually fell in love with him. However, it was a confusing relationship. I hated when I felt like he was trying to tell me what to do like he was my dad or something.

Ironically, I originally intended to keep this new man in my life  as a "replacement dad." I wanted him just in case my reconciliation with my own dad went sour.

However, the uneasiness I always felt about trying to put the past behind me haunted me. I knew it might, but I wanted to socialize, play music, take walks, sing Karaoke, and so on. Life had been hard enough. For once I just wanted to have some fun.

Being with this older man was kind if an escape for me. At times when I didn't feel belittled when he stood there watching me cook hamburger or when he felt it was his duty to open the bag of coffee grounds, he was fun to be with. He was also fun to be with when he didn't whine like a baby if I didn't always give him what he wanted.

It's All Over, Though

The relationship I tried to have with this man even though what I really wanted was a substitute father is over. I don't want to get into all the details, but if he was to be a replacement father figure I was mistaken. He's fine with babies and small children, but with adult women not so much.

I moved on a couple of years ago even though he kept trying to hang onto me. I had many reason for wanting to end it all of which could fill a book. 

I will just sum it up by saying this: Many times I felt the rise in tension flow through my blood. I felt my heart race. A traumatic volcano constantly erupted within me. It was just like when I lived at home with my parents. 

Therefore, one day I decided I had enough. I can't take this. I can't feel as constricted as I did when I lived at home. I had to get out--and truth be told he was so controlling the longest I lived with him was a week and a half. However, when I say I had to get out, I mean I had to get out of his life. 

I'm ashamed to say he actually brought out the worst in me. However, I don't know how many times when I was with him I was treated like I can't do anything right--just like the way my dad treated me at home. Life was hard enough. I no longer wanted to repeat my childhood.

It's Really All Over

The relationship with the man I wanted as my replacement dad is over, and the relationship with my biological dad is also over. I had almost a decade with these men who were at one time very important to me.

It's strange when I really think about it. I thought I needed the both of them for different reasons. Then suddenly I guess I decided I'm a big girl now. 

Post Dedication

Some people might think I'm crazy for doing this, but I don't care. I lost out on so much life and only live once. So I dedicate this post to the only one who I know may truly understand. As far as I know he's still alive and well, but four years ago I was such a mess--and feel like I still am. 

However, I finally got to the bottom of things. I realized one day I wasn't going to be ready to get married until I knew where I stood with my dad. Even if my dad and me can't have a relationship anymore, at least then I'd know and then I could (hopefully) finally get on with life.

Even if the person I want to dedicate this post to and me can't be together he needs to know I really did love him. I just I didn't know what to do anymore. All I know is when I first saw him four years ago I knew he might understand if he really knew what was going on in my life.

I hope I see that person again when the time is right. I also pray to God he sees this. I mostly want him to see this because (as much as I hate to admit it) it's because of him I'm even writing this. 

For some reason, I was so anxious when we finally reconnected after 17 years. Then again, I lived at home while he and I dated. Need I say more? My anxiety I expressed in emails just like an erupting volcano. So many pieces of the puzzle of my life were finally coming together. Maybe this person really did care, but my dad scared him off.

I know at least the people who know me or my story about my dad or the people who've been through what I've been will understand. Even their biography doesn't match mine, those who never really had the kind of dad they wanted will get it. That's why I dedicated this post to him. He'll get it. I know he would but I hope he  sees this.