Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Should I Have Listened To My Parents So Much?

Being a woman who is 39 years old and still unmarried and never had kids is not easy. I've been labeled as gay even though I'm not. If that's not enough I also have been called crazy, psycho, unstable, and unwanted. Supposedly I'm not married because it's all my fault, and I'm at the age where the “S” word (Single) is a dirty word. Either I'm shunned for it or people feel sorry for me.

Nevermind the fact that most of the men I met are immature and had just as many emotional problems that I had. Oh, but it's still all my fault even though some of the men I dated didn't really have the balls to fight for me when they should have.

As a person who has been in relationships but has never been married, I often examine why. After all, I've been in love a half a dozen times. So why am I not married right now?

Not Everything Is My Parents' Fault

Now, I can't blame my parents for my own choices I made. I didn't have to spend the latter part of my 20s on up until now in one temporary or part-time relationship after another. I didn't have to give up my virginity even though I wasn't yet married before I was 30. I also didn't have to do the opposite when I was younger either — go years at a time being single in my 20s just because I wanted to wait to date until I thought I was ready to get married.

As far as my decision not to be legally married until I was ready, that was almost more my choice than anyone else's. Therefore, I can't blame my parents for that.

However, I sometimes wonder if I should've listened to my parent's advice a little less:

I was told I should play the field (dating other people, not sleeping with them) because I'm young. I agreed with the decision, especially since I didn't want to get married young like my parents did. Other than having my first two brothers and me, the entire relationship my parents had was a huge mistake. They also both had a lot of double standards when trying to teach me how to live right. 

I don't think they should've ever gotten married because of me, and I never wanted to put myself in that kind of position — feeling obligated to tie myself down because of an expecting baby. It was bad enough I wished I was never born because years of abuse and turmoil would've never happen, so I did agree with not settling down as a teenager.

However, to this day I wish I would've gotten a little bit longer than three and a half month with my first “real” boyfriend. (When I say real boyfriend I mean the first person I ever had real feelings for — the first person I ever loved. In high school, he left me and the last line of his note was something about “...maybe you're dad's right. You can find someone better.”)

When he left me I didn't know what to do. I wasn't the type that was into chasing after a guy who doesn't want me — if he didn't. So I let it go when he ended it with me. However, it's more complex than that. Not only did I think this first boyfriend not want me, I was also afraid of getting tied down to the first person I ever loved. I was afraid if I did I would go through what my parents did, and to this day I have no idea how my first boyfriend would've treated me. Not only that, but I didn't want this first love of mine to have to deal with my parents— especially my dad.

However, years later I learned something very important: Even if my parents were right about my first boyfriend, I wish I would've never listened to their advice about playing the field — at least not at that time. I wasn't out having sex with anyone as a teenager but only because I at the time wanted to wait until I was married. I didn't end up waiting until marriage, but at least I didn't want to still be in high school with a baby. However, I did try to date a few people because I really wanted to be a “good girl” and do what my parents told me. On the other hand, I never brought any guy home to my parents ever again. For years, I kept my dating life separate from my family life after what I had been through with my first boyfriend.

I never fully recovered from my first love, because I never felt like we had enough time. This is the part that I wish I had done: I wish I would've tried a little bit harder to find out what the problem was after my first love and I broke up. On the other hand, I was never the kind of woman who wanted to play guessing games and have to baby a guy every time we have a conflict. Not only that, but within days he already had a new girlfriend. So, I wasn't sure how I was supposed to have the chance. I just let him a note back saying yea we would be friends, but we never really talked much after that.

Regardless of why my first love and me broke up, I wish I would've tried harder to discuss things with him and I wish we would've stayed together at least a year or two. Then, I would've at least felt like I had gotten to know him well enough to know whether or not he was the one. If he wasn't the one after all that, then I'd just move on — plain and simple. As far as not knowing yet after only dating three and a half months, I was just plain old stuck. He ended it right at the point where I was starting to think that he would be around for awhile.

 I was just getting to the point of evaluating my feelings for him, and unfortunately it wasn't until some time after we broke up that I realized I did love him. Three and a half months was barely even enough time for me to decide something like that, but if I was given just one or two more months I probably would've known for sure I love him.

Why I wished my first boyfriend and I would have stayed together longer: Even if it would've had to end I would've have a solid reason why. I would've know for sure that we did all we could. Then, if we had no other choice to let it go then it would've been easier to accept. However, we never got that chance at all.

Part of it was because I didn't even stop to think that just because we weren't together any more didn't mean he didn't still have feelings. I found out many years later that he could've possibly still cared about me after we broke up. I'm not sure what to think still — whether or not he really did care and I'm not sure if I'll never know, but I do wonder.

Years Later (About Four Years Ago)

I finally had the chance to see this person I really cared about a long time ago again. Apparently he broke up with me (so he says) because someone said I liked someone else and I was too afraid to hurt him (the one I really cared about from high school). I didn't know what to think. Was he really telling the truth or just saying all of this to get to me? What if he was just telling me this to appeal to my soft, forgiving side so he could have his way with me? After all, he became quite the ladie's man after he left me behind.

I decided four years ago that maybe we are better off not trying to have a relationship for many reasons related to the past as well as the present. Also, about a year and a half after I saw him he said he supposedly wasn't into me anymore (“not what I'm looking for mentally or physically”). I wasn't sure if he was making excuses because he was afraid of being hurt or because he really was over me. It could also be that he was never sure enough about himself to really ever know what he wanted in the first place.

Since I first saw this person four years ago, I just mainly don't really know if I wanted to know the truth. I didn't even want to know anymore if we were meant to be together or not. (I revealed the reasons for this later on in this post, but this is what I have for now.)

If he's really not the one, then why do I have to go through this? It's bad enough it took me years to get over him the first time. Now I gotta go through that again?? It sucks that God would even allow me to go through so much pain with men — especially after already having my heart broken over a half-dozen times. (I should add that I had a broken heart even if I was the one who wanted out in my relationships.)

In spite of all my mixed feelings, I still believe this: I just wish we would've given each other more of a chance when we were younger. I just didn't because I took my parent's advice to date other people and experience life before I ever got married. Even if it turns out we weren't meant to be I wish I had the chance to find out for myself — not just because of my parents and what they told me but because I would've known for myself.

The only other excuses I have for not letting my first love back in (rewinding bak to the day we broke up:

Four years ago: It was because I had unresolved feelings for two different exes, and he was trying to get over a bad breakup — or at least that's what he says. (I really want to believe he really cared, but I have my doubts.) Now, I will gradually rewind to my other excuses to the time we first broke up.

After I graduated high school: I knew he had dated around, too. I didn't want to feel like he was with me just because someone else didn't want to be with him. I also didn't want to feel like he was just settling for me and I wanted him to know for sure I was the one. Not only that, but I didn't know if I saw much point of us dating because I wanted to wait until I was ready to get married.

Right after we broke up in high school: I was hurt that he dumped me and started dating someone else so soon after our relationship ended. It was only a few days. That led me to believe he never really cared about me at all. I also didn't want to have to tell him the real reason I was distant when he asked me “what's wrong?” I didn't want him to know my dad was abusing me and I didn't want him to get involved in my family drama.

And now: Whether he's still available or whether he's not I'm scared. If he's still around I don't know if I can even handle the stress of trying to get to know yet another person. If he's not around anymore, I'm scared because that means I will have to get to know yet one more person. Either way, I have open myself at least one more time. I have to risk getting my heart broken at least once again.

A Segment of Some Lyrics I Wrote

I can't say this song was actually about my first boyfriend. In fact, I felt like I was writing it for no particular reason all of the sudden about six years ago. However, I think this excerpt from a song I wrote is a huge piece of the puzzle. It wasn't even about anyone I had dated in the past ten years.

God give me one more chance at true love
To be with the one I've been thinking of
But if it's too late may God bless his days
and may he not get hurt again along the way.”

Now I'm always thinkin' about you
And my heart is sinkin' in the sand
I hope that God will deal me a forgiving hand.

I Haven't Given Up Quite Yet

There's so much about what I'm going through right now especially with deciding not to have a relationship with dad anymore — at least for now   that I can't explain right now. Some things this one person from high school said to me four years ago lead me to believe he really did care about me.

However, I have yet to believe he really did care-even if it wasn't meant to be. It's been hard because I'm tired of loving people who are not for me and just want to be with someone I can hold on to instead of let go of.

If and when I'm ever ready to get married I do believe the one is still out there. I just hope that person accepts my crappy life for what it is. I may be too old to have kids, not have my dad walk me down the aisle, may have a strained relationship with my mom, and unfulfilled career dreams. I'm also no longer a virgin teenage girl, and ashamed of some things I've done.

However, I just hope the one thing I always wanted is still out there:

The one.

And how I will know he's the one:

If he also has feelings for me and we're both ready to get married — as simple as that.