Wednesday, June 26, 2013

About The Guys I Dated: How Much They Asked Me To Give Up

I've been told I was a “self-centered hypocritical b*tch” and I've been told that I didn't think the guys I was with were good enough. The real problem is I don't think they realized how much they asked me to give up when we dated. It was hard enough to date single dads with kids who were not mine, but it went way beyond that for me.

It Wasn't A Simple Compromise Issue

If all it was is they were asking me to give and take a little bit, that would be one thing. However, I always felt like I had to give up everything that was important to me to be with the people I was with, and not just some things. I felt like he had to be the center and I had to plan my life around him. 

It always made me wonder how much of myself would really be left if I would've ended up married to any one of the people I dated. Seriously, how much was too much for them to expect from me? Did they really want me to give up all my dreams for them while I get nothing out of the relationship in return?

I often wondered, Do I get to have any autonomy when I'm married or am I supposed to just revolve my entire life around a man? I also questioned, how hard is it really for any one of them to have just simply done for me one of the minor things I asked?

Party Girl--->>Barefoot and Pregnant

I often thought all a guy really wanted from me before marriage is for me to be a woman to be fun all the time and 100% agreeable. I had to put on a happy face even if I felt angry or sad inside. I also felt like some men I dated thought women were only around to fulfill their every undying wish—whether they wanted a second mom or weekend play toy.

It seemed I was just supposed to drop everything about me that isn't directly about him. Worse yet, we sometimes would plan to get married and he may have assumes all I wanted was to be barefoot and pregnant—not have any freedom or autonomy at all. Yet, it's okay for him to assume I'd not be upset if he made major purchase decisions without me, spent more on himself than us together, or just comes home whatever hour he pleases. I've often felt as if I was becoming trapped in a web I may not be able to escape. Some men I know wanted to act like they are totally free even though they will soon have a ring on their finger.

Should I Ever Have Expected Anything?

I often got the guilt trip by men. I felt was supposed to be there for them and feel sorry for them because their exes cheated on them. I also made relationships with their children and acted the role I thought the man would've wanted me to play if we were to get married.

In the process, did I get anything in return? Not really. Should I have gotten anything in return? I don't know. All I know is I just one day decided not to be in a one-sided relationship with anyone anymore. I wanted someone who allows me to at least have some of what I want in life versus nothing—someone who actually cared more about than just himself and what he wants.

What Is It I Really Wanted?

I didn't want to feel like what I wanted to do (i.e. go to the farmer's market, go out to eat, go to a movie, take a walk, invite him to my family's house for dinner) was just “old news.” In other words, I just wanted a few things about the relationship to be about him and I and not his ex and his children with “her.” I don't necessarily expect him to do everything he used to do with “her” but it would be nice if he at least did a few of those things with me. After all, we were supposed to be together, not them.