Monday, April 29, 2013

The Painful Awareness

Some might call it jealousy, while others might call it what I call it--the painful awareness.

For instance. one of my exes would barely even make an effort to meet me in public at a local A&W restaurant, but yet I witness his ex-wife on video with their children. This same person when asked if he would go to the farmer's market with me said 'I used to go there with (name of woman withheld).'

This particular ex of mine even went to some underground for what I think he said was some event for musicians in his former city. He did this with someone I got the impression he barely knew. Yet, he wouldn't even take a chance with me to go to the basement of a musician's house when I wanted him to go.

This is only one account of many. Over and over again I've experienced the painful awareness of over and over again being the one he's not willing to take as many risks for as a guy would do for another woman who came before me. Did I deserve to be treated this way? Maybe not at first at least.

I always tried to be honest as possible--but oh what a man wouldn't do for a liar and a cheater! Maybe that's what I should've become--a chromic liar and habitual cheater. Then maybe I'd be married by now. Because it always seems that those are the kind of women every single one of my exes ever wanted.

And I'm tired of feeling like it's MY fault--taking the brunt of a man's anger to the one that came before me! And you know what? Because of it I'm now the one who's pissed off. It's just not right and not fair.

Oh except lately I did what I never thought of doing before. I settled. I didn't marry the guy but settled with him even though I didn't love him the same way he loved me.

All I ever really wanted was for someone who I have feelings for who has feelings for me to want to be with just me and know I'm the one. Is that really too much to ask?