Friday, April 12, 2013

It Was Easier Not to Be Angry At 25

About This Post: I don't want to hurt my family with this post. However, I can't keep this a secret anymore. I wrote this post out of concerned for my twin sisters who are right now in my dad's care. I spent the past decade trying to decide if I can trust him or not. Lately it's been up and down, trying to find out why Social Security is taking the money away from my sisters, who my dad has custody of right now. Did he do something wrong, or are they unjust like he says? 

***Warning...Controversial Abuse Issues...Shown Below This Line***

It was easier not to be angry at 25. I could be happy for people getting married then when I didn't feel too old to find someone or too old to have kids of my own.

I also thought then that it would be easier to forgive then. I figured if I did forgive the sexual abuse at the very least God would just allow me at some point to just have a normal life. That I could have a normal relationship in spite of all the trauma I suffered as a child.

**But Now I'm Over 10 Years Older And Really Fed Up...

I mean it's my fault for not taking action about things when I was younger--when I was a younger adult. However, I just didn't feel then that I should have to take responsibility for abuse that happened to me. I mean, it was bad enough I was too scared to tell anyone about it or that I lived it for so many years. When I was an adult all I cared about was just taking care of myself and establishing at the very least some kind of stability for me.

**But for the record, I do have a business I have been running for years, but I feel that's ALL I have! Nothing else!! No Husband and no Kids!!** And God Really Didn't Make Things Easy For Me...

Why? Why after all these years of suffering like I did can't I just live my life free of what my dad did?

Why did he have to connect me through my dad by giving me two sisters I will have to constantly think about every single day? What is worse, I would have no idea how to tell if they are abused because they are autistic and can barely talk.

**Seriously, why is God Trying to Make my Life Even MORE Difficult Than it Has to Be?? When Will I Ever Get A Break???**

(My dad lately is saying he'll be dead soon anyway because his health problems are getting worse. Still, when will this stress end?? And I don't think the stress will end ever after he is gone.)

Why instead of having a loving relationship and a family of my own do I have to live a life of alienation and loneliness being judged and looked down upon by everyone I meet for something that isn't even my fault?

I mean at least if I didn't have sisters in his care that I'm concerned about it would at least be a LITTLE bit easier to life a more status quo kind of life. If it weren't for them I would. I would just latch on to the first nice guy I have feelings for who doesn't treat women like dirt and live happily ever after.

I wouldn't worry that I am a burden to any guy I date if at least all I had was my own life and myself to think about and not them as well.

But NO Because My Sisters Were Born To My Dad I Not Only Have To Suffer Once But TWICE!

I suffered once already for myself and now live in uneasiness of wondering if it could happen to them. I have no idea what goes on while they are in his care, but I do wonder. I didn't worry so much when he wasn't cutting people out of his life so much but now he's not even taking care of myself.

I For Almost 10 Years Now Let My Dad Slide Wanting To Believe He Really Can Be Trusted...But Now I Wonder If I Made Huge Mistake

I mean, I never caught him in the act--and believe me if I did I wouldn't be silent about it no matter the cost. However, the way he's been acting lately makes me wonder if 'protecting' him was a big mistake.

I am tired of protecting him because no one was there to protect me when I needed it. (I know I said I forgave people for not doing anything about it. However, forgiveness was easier said than done when I still thought I had better days to look forward to--not that all days are bad I'm just saying.)

I Really Tried. I Did. But I'm Done Trying!

I know that forgiving someone is necessary even if I don't know if the other person is sorry. However, I'm done trying to decide if my dad can be trusted. I decided that he may never be trusted, and I can't keep this a secret anymore.

**Is He Really Sorry Or Just Afraid Others Will Find Out?

I tried to give my chance at a normal life. Therefore, I dropped the case I had against him over 10 years ago. I dropped it even though he could have went to prison for what he did. I know he could have because that's what the DA said about a decade ago when I thought about pressing charges.

I didn't tell anyone up here where he lives (Northern WI) for years. (He fled to this location four hours away from our hometown because he was afraid he would get put in jail for what he did to me.) I was so uneasy though. I couldn't stand the fact that it felt like I was living a lie.

I mean, he repeatedly told me he was sorry and even said he was now trying to fight against abuse. When he first told me all this I didn't know what to think. After all, he had been sorry many times when we were younger and then did it again.

**10 Years Ago: I Guess I Wanted To Believe He Was Sorry So I Asked...

"So what are you going to do about it?"

What He Has Done About It...

He had social workers and caretakers helping him with my disabled sisters. He even went to a counseling session with me. He was outgoing and didn't isolate himself or my sisters.

Was He Genuine?

I believe at the times he made steps to make changes he was genuine. However, when he started pulling my sisters out of schooling and running from social services I started to be concerned again.

**What I Hope My Dad Will Do Now

I want him to do right by my sisters before he passes away. Yet, I hope I will know where they are so I can at least see them even if it turns out I won't be able to care for them full time. THAT is all I want!!