Saturday, October 13, 2012

Why’d He Have to See Me This Way? Why God Why?

I ran into my first love from a long time ago a few years back. I meant to make amends with him for years, but I wanted to do so when I was engaged to be married.

But no, God didn’t allow me that. Instead, this person shows up in my life when I’m at my worst-single, wounded, and heartbroken. That would’ve been okay if I was still in my 20s, but I wasn’t. I was already turning 35.

It’s embarrassing and humiliating to have someone I dated almost a quarter of a century ago see me so low. I felt bad too, because I may have gave him the impression that I was needy and desperate.

Ironically, I hadn’t been so needy and desperate since high school. On the other hand, he used to be the insecure one.

He had no idea what was going on in my life when he and I were together. All he could think about was that I was supposedly with some other guy, and he even asked me if that was the case once.

For a long time he had no idea what my problem was. However, he finally found out there really was no other guy and that I really was into him, but just had family problems.

I don’t know what happened after that though. It was as if when he found out I really was into him I was no longer good enough for him. Either that or he just turned conceited, or maybe I destroyed his image of perfection-of a perfect relationship.

I was afraid that would happen, though, because that’s what seems to happen to me a lot. I almost always expect a guy to eventually dump me even though in the past decade I’m the one who did most of the dumping.

I’m not as mad at him anymore as I was, but I’m still angry and upset that he has so much power. Why did I ever let him have the upper hand? Maybe I should’ve never told him the truth, or maybe I shouldn’t have told him so much about me.

Also, maybe I should’ve never admitted to him that I actually did have feelings for him. Because now he has control. He has all the control and I just don’t think it’s fair. He can reject me, say I’m needy, treat me like I’m not good enough, and so on.

Another Conclusion

I know sometimes when a guy realizes that a woman is into him, he freaks out. After the excitement about being in love with someone who returns the feelings, the anxiety about responsibility sets in. I know, because it also happens to me as a woman.

I understand why a guy freaks out sometimes, because I do. Still when he gets scared I usually feel offended. I’m overall someone who wants to be independent-a strong woman. I have no intention of being a burden to anyone. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am.

Is that too much to ask? If it is then so be it. I’d rather be single the rest of my life, honestly!