A few days ago, I fell into the trap of doing what many single people do between relationships. I called an ex and even went to visit him.
Before I called him, I thought about how I don’t have a working piano keyboard to use and I knew I could go over to his house to practice music. However, then I panicked, because I just had a debit transaction get declined when I tried to pay for gas.
(I had over thirty dollars coming but it wasn’t available as soon as I thought it would be.) Remembering how we played music together plus the fact that he was always good about offering me money if I needed it made me forget all our past issues.
***Beyond all that, this is the real reason I called my ex….
I had been out of a relationship for a little over month with a different person who has way too many addictions, and the reality of being alone had started to set in. I’m sure I don’t have to always be alone. However, that’s what my mind tells me-that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
Now, if I don’t want to date right now, I’m going to have to risk getting into another “breakup” argument. I also have to risk the fact that I may beat myself up for even calling him in the first place.
The only question that remains now: How will I conquer this anxiety of being alone? On the other hand, what did all those years of being single and “having God so I don’t need anyone really teach me?” Anything?
Still I need to conquer the anxiety of being alone.