Sunday, September 2, 2012

Sexual Initiation Vs. Sexual Aggression

A common misunderstanding often occurs as to what is sexual aggression versus sexual initiation. There is a fine line between both, and I will summarize by saying sexual aggression is that which leads to a person feeling uncomfortable, but sexual initiation makes a person feel safe.

Sexual Aggression

One problem with having sex with someone you don't know that well is that overt advances can be a huge turn off. That is why some of the most lewd pick-up lines which reference a stranger's body parts are highly ill-advised, and the same is true as far as touching someone until you know it's okay.

This also is true of making sexual comments until you know the person is comfortable with certain kinds of erotic or suggestive talk. Of course, if you touch someone advance on someone in a sexual way without their permission, that also is sexually aggressive behavior. (Another way to put it is this: Sexual aggression is taking sex from someone before they are for sure ready for it.)

I also think repeatedly asking someone else for sex even though that person has said “no” or “maybe” is also sexually aggressive. A person needs time to think about what is best for him or her, and that right to take time to decide “yes” or “no” should be respected. It's not wise to ask them every two minutes or even every five or 15 minutes!

Sexual Initiation

Healthy sex usually occurs between two people who have given each other clear verbal or non-verbal signals that they want sex with one another. In this case, one person will initiate and the other person will response positively because that person really wants sex. This is a case in which no reservations at all are expressed verbally and non-verbally and thus no hard feelings arise because of this situation.

On the other hand, a person might hint or ask for sex hopefully in a way that is respectful, but may be turned down. Either that or the person might say “maybe” or “not now” or “I don't know.”

There is nothing wrong with honesty admitting you want sex from someone. There also is nothing wrong with asking someone for sex if you sense someone is attracting to you. However, there is a huge difference between asking for it and forcing it to happen against another's will.

A fact of life is that even in a situation where sex could be healthy sometimes the person who wants the sex is turned down. I think it is that initiator's responsibility to accept this “no” or “maybe” and not pester (keep asking for) or touch that person repeatedly right afterwards.