Sunday, September 2, 2012

Is it Rape? My Definition of the "R Word"


Possible triggers for people who have been abused sexually in the past...

Please read this post with caution...

The "R word" has such nasty meanings that I was even afraid to use it on my blog. However, it is a very issue that needs to be addressed, and I offer my personal definition of this word.

Rape -- Worst than stealing; the act of attempting to take something very personal from someone that the person is not ready to give; usually refers to taking over someone sexually without their consent; or overtaking someone's life for total control of that person without their consent. 

I will go out on a limb here and say that a person can even be violated or feel violated if they were to attend a planned threesome or orgy. I know that's a drastic opinion to take, but when you think about it, no matter what your beliefs about what is right and wrong one thing is certain. It is NEVER OKAY to advance on someone sexually who SAYS NO. 

No means no, and I will tell you some other statements that mean no...

"Maybe later"
"Not tonight."
"I'm too tired for sex."
"Maybe tomorrow. I'm too tired."

There are many others like this that also mean no. Even "maybe" means "no" until maybe turns into "yes." However, I will clear up a problem with maybe. 

A Huge Misunderstanding

Sometimes one person will take a maybe as a yes and then will try to advance on another human being even though he/she is not sure. This is a sticky situation. All I can say is, whenever in doubt make sure it is really what the other person wants before proceeding.

At the very least, it is extremely insensitive to continue on trying to have sex with a person even though that individual is not sure. At the very worst, it can be considered rape if that human being with feelings has not conveyed "okay," "yes," or similar definite response that sex is wanted. 

Further Explanation

To avoid any confusion, the person who doesn't want sex should say something like "no," or "I don't want to," or other very definite response. Also realize that it is possible for it to be considered rape even if the person says "no" but the body says, "yes" because sometimes people may not want to but do anyway.

A Practical Solution

I think that both parties should know for sure that sex is wanted. Otherwise, it could be considered rape. Keep in mind that sometimes people are afraid to say no, so I think it is the responsibility of the other party to not proceed or hassle the person and give that person time to decide-maybe an hour or two or a day even-before asking for a definite "yes or no."

Also, in my opinion anyway, it's incredibly annoying to be asked for sex every five minutes or every minute. I think if a person says "maybe" just step back, give that person time to think about it (as I said maybe a couple of hours or even a day) then gently ask, "are you ready for sex or should we wait?"

No Should Only be Said Once!

I've been in situations where a guy might have interpreted a "maybe" or "I don't know" as a "yes." Therefore, to clarify yes or no I would just finally just say "no." However, whether you are female or male, you should only have to say "no," "get off of me," or "let me go," ONE time! Not two, three, or more times!

If it Feels Like Rape, It Is!

The main reason why rape is such a tough word to define is because of how sexual abuse is minimized. However, if you feel like someone violated you, chances are that person really did. It's up to you whether you want to confront the person, report that individual, or press charges against that offender.

One More Issue: Saying "No" Too Often

There isn't really a such thing as saying "no" too often. However, for couples that really love each other, it can be frustrating if one person has a higher sex drive than the other.

This is a situation that requires careful communication. Maybe one person could say, "I know we hadn't had sex in awhile and I don't want to pressure you. I'm just wondering if there is anything I can do to help you be interested in sex again" or something along that lines.

Another possible way to express sexual frustration is to simply say "I love you and don't want to hurt you or pressure you. However, I must admit I am sexually frustrated. Is there something we need to talk about/can do about this?"

Closing Thoughts: Sex as a Privilege Not Right

All healthy sexual relationships require careful and thoughtful communication. It can never be thought by one party that sex should be given whenever asked, or it should never be thought of as a "right." It is a privilege-and a fun privilege at that.