Monday, September 3, 2012

I'm Just so MAD at Myself!


WARNING

Possible triggers for people who have been abused sexually in the past...

Please read this post with caution...


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I'm just so MAD at myself right now! After all the years of counseling and education about sexual abuse and I still succumb to it! I don't know what I was possibly thinking-just shrugging off the unwanted sexual advances of my latest boyfriend like it was NO BIG DEAL!

I stuffed that fear and anger in for months and months, and suddenly within the past two to three months I began to erupt like a volcano. I had to get out of there because God only knows what I would've done to that man if I had stayed.

I wanted to hurt him so bad because of all the stress I was under because of all of his violations,. However, I instead just decided to leave and go to a safe place, call the police, and the Sexual Assault center. I figure it's better to deal with this in the confines of the law rather than take the law into my own hands, unless he was actually attacking me at the time.

(Throughout the course of this year, I did try to push him off me quite a few times when he got on top of me or continuing groping me after I said "no." The only other defense was my voice, which he would finally adhere to after the second or third time I said "get off" or "let me go".)

I hope I don't get into too much trouble for saying I wanted to hurt him (hit him, stab him,etc.)-because I didn't and don't plan too but I need to express my anger just to get it out. I also feel very anxious right now.

I'm too afraid to even go back to my apartment and haven't been there overnight but one one of seven-not only because of what he could do to me but because of what I'm tempted to do to him! That's the main reason why I bring a friend along and/or call the cops when I stop there for a few minutes-because of all the fear and anger I feel right now.

I know the only way I could legally get away with trying to hit him (and even fantasized about cold-cocking him right in the jaw when he least expects it and giving him a bloody nose) is if he was attacking me. So, I didn't do it and don't plan to unless he tries to attack me again...but I sooooo wanted to!!!! 

No Means No, Even in a Relationship!

Thankfully the cop I talked to about my feeling traumatized was very understanding. He even was ready to arrest my ex because of what I as well as one of my friends said about him. The fact is, no means no in a relationship, and that's what a lot of guys (and some women) have to learn!

Even if a woman was with a guy in a relationship and willingly gave him sex 99 out of 100 times, that one time where he took it without her consent is WRONG. This kind of rape is hard to identify, but I just recently learned myself it really is RAPE.

He could say "I wanted it" but my defense towards that is "Yeah I wanted it" 90% of the time, but what about the 10% of the time I didn't want it???!! Guys can't take something without my consent, no matter how many times I gave it too him before!

In My Case...

This person got on top of me even after I said no one time and I gave in without a fight. Also, at least a dozen times he kept touching me and bothering me even after I told him to leave me alone. I'd finally get upset and go in the other room just so I can get some sleep, and sometimes he would even bother me then. A friend of mine even reported him for violating her!

I Was So Blind!

I was so blind. If I had really recognized that his behavior towards me the past year was really rape, I would've never let my friend alone with him for even five minutes. However, it took that unfortunate incident to make me realize I'm dealing with a repeat sexual offender and I need to GET OUT OF THERE!

All of this was so shocking, especially since my friend even said in a text "get the h*ll out of there before he tries to rape someone else..."

I just hope my friend doesn't withdraw her story. I'd be screwed if she did.

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