Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Why I Chose the Men I Did

I’m not going to write in major detail about the abuse that was inflicted on my by more than one adult male from the time I was a child until I was just turning 18. Even though that is a huge chunk of my life, I’m not going to focus on that as much as I am on the revelation of why I chose some of the men I dated.

A Description of my Past Boyfriends

My impression of most of the people I dated was that they were very insecure individuals. They might have been egotistical at times thinking that every woman on this planet should want them, but still they were very insecure.

The insecurity showed in various ways. For instance, they often would say that they think I am too good for them-at least at a time I was still a virgin, hadn’t slept around, was choosy about who I date, didn’t drink alcohol, and so on. Then, they would turn around and criticize me, my body, things I say, things I do, and more. Then, when they realized I was no longer innocent they treated me with less respect even though they probably had been with way more partners than me.

On the opposite extreme, sometimes they would propose marriage to me early on in the relationship before I was ready to make a commitment. Then, when I finally was ready they would become very indecisive, as if now that they convinced me that they are a “great” person what other woman can they convince? I often felt like they used me as a “self-esteem booster” until they could “achieve” a certain “status” with women-if that makes sense.

I guess I could explain it as this: I felt like the “Stepping Stone” described in the famous Monkees song. I felt like I was good enough for now and then when a man was ready he would find someone better. I started a long pattern of dating guys who thought I was “good enough for now” ever since high school.

The Realization: Why I Chose Them

After all these years I wanted to understand why I chose the men I did. One day, I had an epiphany. When my parents were married it seemed to me like my dad was always looking for something better or different. He treated my mom like she wasn’t good enough, when in reality it turns out he was the one who was not good enough for her mainly because he did not treat her right.

Was it because of my mom’s physical appearance? No, because no matter what she looked like on the outside it was never good enough for my dad. I unfortunately fell into that same trap for a long time. I wasn’t about to marry a guy like that like my mom did, but I’m no better than she was simply because I wound up choosing the same men she did.

Why did I do it? It is because of the way my dad treated her. That is a huge discovery that I considered one day last year sometime. However now I know the root of my problems and can make changes. Even if I’m not ready to be married try to train myself to be interested in the kinds of men who would treat me like he wants to be with me and not just for now.

How’s that Working out for Me?

I’m trying to appreciate the person I am with now. He’s got issues but he doesn’t treat me like I’m only good enough for today. However, this time around I feel like I’m the jerk. I know I also have to be careful not to treat a man like he’s only good enough for right now. I want to at least give it a try for awhile longer-long enough to hopefully justify ending it if it’s not going to work at least.