I have some news about myself that would shock my whole family if they were to read this. Here goes nothing. There was a period of at least a few years when I considered a very loose kind of lifestyle.
However, I wasn’t considering this just for the temporary. I have been so disillusioned by the concept of destiny and the idea of “the one” that I started to doubt. I started to wonder if maybe there really is no such thing as “the one.” Therefore, I was considering the idea of living a lifestyle of multiple relationships indefinitely.
Regarding this, I decided to test the waters for awhile to see if this was really the life meant for me. I decided to do “God knows what with God only knows whom” and at one point thought maybe this really was me. I made my mind up that I was this kind of person, but to be honest I still was feeling very conflicted.
In the process of all of this sleeping around I wondered if that was really who I am, or if I just was so hurt by past relationships I just didn’t care anymore. (What is worse, just ten years prior I thought I was going to be married before I had sex.) I didn’t think I cared anymore about marriage or monogamy but at the same time, had no idea how long I was going to be able to keep this non-monogamous lifestyle up.
I also wondered if this was really who I am or perhaps it was just was because I wasn’t ready to be married that I was doing this. I was not really sure at all why I made the decision to live the open relationship lifestyle for awhile-at least not until now.
I think it is clear to me now that I would rather be monogamous, but I just wasn’t ready to be married. However, it is more than just that. I had a lifetime pattern of attracting the type of men who are non-committal. Therefore, at some point I figured maybe I should just accept the fact that it would be a bloody freaking miracle if I could find a stable, committed man who actually wanted to stay with just me.
Since I didn’t think I could find a man who wanted to commit to one women, I almost decided to accept the fact that maybe it’s not really a big deal if I decide to be with a man who wants to be with more than one woman. I figured who cares as long as he comes home to me and I’m his number one who cares?
Dating one man after another who was not the committed type was the excuse I used for deciding to just “do whatever I want.” The ironic part of all of this is in doing so and in adapting the attitudes of most of the men I dated, I shocked even them-the ones who to my knowledge just wanted to “have their cake and eat it too” while getting mad if I do the same.
If I sound hurt and bitter, I don’t mean to but I am still hurt even as I write this. However, I should explain further that they are not entirely at fault. It’s me too.
First, I should say even though most of the men have probably never taken any relationship they were in seriously in their entire lifetimes, I don’t think they thought I would ever turn into such a player. I guess at least one of them never expected me to become the person I became for awhile (very promiscuous)-and here is where I get defensive. I often justified my actions thinking to myself, what do they expect after the way they treated women all their lives?
I should make it clear though, that even though I want to blame the men I dated, they are not really the root of my problems. It’s much deeper than that.
Really, it is family issues. I had people I cared about and trusted to very despicable things to me.
However, not even the people in my family are to blame because in the end I am the one who has to decide the best way to live my life. After all, I am now an adult.
I am right now in the process of trying to have faith that there really is someone out there that I actually have feelings for that will not abandon me. It’s hard because until this time I only fell for men who eventually left me. However, when I try to date the ones who are more serious about me I don’t fall in love with them. It seems so mixed-up and backwards, but that’s the truth.
Still, I’m not ready to give up completely. I’m sure at some point I will be ready to open myself up to someone who really is going to be there for me and that I will be more in love with him that the ones who abandoned me.
Now, I should say that not every relationship is going to work out because it’s not meant to be. Still, there has to be something I can do to make the madness stop!