Tuesday, March 20, 2012

It’s Time for Me to Let Go

I guess I may never know the truth about one person. In case you wonder who I’m talking about, it’s the one I mentioned in other posts who told me I’m “not what he’s looking for physically or mentally.”

I  know he said it because he has issues he keeps running away from. Still, it did hurt that he would say something so low to me.

Therefore, I replied to him, “Here’s a real shocker: You’re not what I’m looking for maturity wise!”

Whether he said it to me because he was angry and hurt by something I said to him, I don’t know. All I know is my next thought was what a class A jerk. Who does he think he is?

It hurts because I would’ve never judged him based on physical appearance. So why would he judge me like that??

To be fair, I was mad once and said “The sad thing is I’m better looking than you” and I know I shouldn’t have said it. I did apologize later for it, and was mad at myself because I would usually never say something like that, and never said anything so awful to anyone since.

There’s no excuse, but I remember when I said it I was afraid.

I was afraid because he was wanting to text me all the time and not call me. When he did try to call me it was only when he was on the way into town, not at his home town while he was home.

He also wanted to only talk to me on the phone at really odd hours even when he wasn’t working, and never on the weekends (not usually).

Yet, he wanted to try to stir up my feelings by making vague references to marriage. I honestly didn’t know what to think and I felt extremely uneasy because I hadn’t seen this person in a long time and he seemed to think I should just blindly trust him.

However, I had many reasons not to trust him. He broke my heart once and barely talked to me for over a year after. (Sometimes I wonder if all he wanted me to do is sit around passively waiting for him while he does God only knows what with every woman in town.)

What Did I Expect?

I would’ve thought that someone who came back into my life after almost two decades apologizing to me for being young and immature (always with a different girl after he and I broke up) would do anything to keep me. On the other hand, I wouldn’t expect him to do much to show me he can be trusted. All I really wanted was one small thing-just to not be his secret. That’s all! Treat me like a real human being and not just like some woman he never got a chance to nail.

I don’t care about expensive gifts, jewelry, or all the other stuff guys think women want. I just wanted some sign that he is capable of telling the truth and capable of respecting women. I have my reasons for wanting to know if he has any respect-other reasons  I didn’t even mention yet and decided to keep to myself.

Anyway, this story has a terribly sad ending. In the end, I should explain it wasn’t about the times of the day he was contacting me that was the big deal. It was the whole secretive method of operation that bothered me. How could someone who I thought cared about me at one time treat me like that?

Then, I finally get to the point where I think maybe I was too hard on him and give him a chance he burns me again! He tells me, “I’m not what he’s looking for physically or mentally.”

Ouch is all I can say.

I hung on for awhile trying to get to the bottom of why he would say something like that. I even blamed myself.

However, I decided knowing what I’m going through right now I am not even going to take a chance with someone like this. I need someone who likes me and accepts me for who I am-which I thought maybe he could do but could not.

Once issue I’m dealing with is this:

Women in their middle to late 30s have a harder time remaining thin. It has to do with changes in the body and so on. If  guy like this is going to treat me like this just because I might’ve gained some weight what good is he?

Besides, this person in particular is somewhat hypocritical considering…well…I don’t judge people for physical appearance but he’s lucky I didn’t go off on how he’s not all that either. 

I am pretty much convinced now that he never loved me. I am for sure letting go. I’m moving on and there is nothing he can do or say to convince me that he ever really did love me. A person who says something like this really either wanted to push me away because he thinks I’m annoying or he’s really that ego-inflated.

Either way, I’m done. He can have a nice life and I hope he finds that thin, pretty, midlife crisis wife he’s looking for!

By the way, a few years back he did tell me “I can’t give you what you  need.” My response to that is if you mean by by not giving me what I need you can’t even show me the smallest ounce of respect, you’re right!

Some Clarification: If We Had Gotten Back Together

Now, if we had gotten back together and he didn’t treat me like a secret we probably would be friends right now even if it didn’t work out. I probably would be way less hurt than I am now.

However, he chose to do things the hard way. He wanted me to accept some kind of low level kind of relationship and you know what I’m done. I’m just done with men like that.

All he had to do is show me just a little ounce of respect. Since he couldn’t, quite honestly I just don’t care anymore what he has to say. I’m done trying.

My Impression

He might not have been lying to me about everything. I think part of the problem is that he cared more about looking out for #1 more than he ever cared about getting to know me. Therefore, I see no point in bothering because men like that usually end up breaking my heart.

Men don’t realize that women have been hurt too. If they want a relationship they have to get over that cheating wife or girlfriend and get on with their lives.