Saturday, March 3, 2012

I Know I Said I Wouldn’t Talk to Him But…

I know I said I wouldn’t talk to one person again but eventually I probably will. I just said that to stop myself from getting into yet one more situation that is not meant to be. My heart just can’t take it anymore.

I feel guilty though. I’m not the kind of person who likes to just “look out for number one” with no regard to another person’s feelings. At the same time, all my exes have always looked out for themselves so I figured this time around it’s my turn to do the same.

I don’t want revenge. Not really. However, sometimes what goes around comes around. People want to treat me like I’m just a run of the mill woman then I have a tendency to want to treat them the same way.

However, I know I would be the better person if I didn’t. For that I feel sorry and at some point will be mature enough to handle rejection again. (It was alot easier to handle rejection when I was younger and thought I had a lot of time to find someone.)

I am sorry for hurtful things I’ve said to people because of the frustration I feel when I feel like I’m just one more woman in a man’s people’s life. It’s not that I want to think I’m great or think I’m better than anyone else. However, I at least want to feel like I’m good enough for a person and I no longer want to be treated like I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to hurt anyone. However, sometimes I have to be honest. I feel hurt too. I am tired of feeling like all I am good for is “one thing” and I will never again date anyone who wants to treat me like that’s the only thing I have to offer. It’s hard for me to respect men who just want sex from me and nothing else.

However, I know I have the responsibility to assert myself in a way that says I am worth more than just for that. Therefore, that is what I’ve decided to do. Enough is enough and I won’t tolerate it any more. I don’t care how long I’ve known a person or how many people an individual knows that I know.

I’m no longer going to be anyone’s whore. I respect guys who respect me and I don’t respect guys who don’t respect me. That’s all there is to it. I’m ashamed of some of the things I’ve done but now it’s time to respect myself and demand respect from others.

I know I have to let go of the frustration I feel when I have feelings for yet another person I cannot have. I just hope recently will have been the last time, and that next time will be “the charm.” My heart can’t take it anymore.

Oh, and I will eventually talk to one person who wanted to come back into my life and think it’s okay for him to be indecisive. However, it may be awhile. I know eventually I have to let go of the hurt and eventually I have to be mature enough to be that person’s friend if he never really did want to be with me.

However, right now I just think it really is best we don’t speak to one another. I suppose I should make it clear that nothing sexual between that person and me ever happened, and I want to keep it that way.

I'm done feeling used. On the other hand, I’m also past the phase where I’m willing to be just friends with someone I have feelings for just because he needs a friend. It may sound selfish but I deserve to be happy too, and I do not intend to be single the rest of my life.

If I keep being "just friends" with guys I might never be able to get married. Even though the thought of being married frightens me, I don't want to be single the rest of my life.