Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Biggest Line of Deception I Have Ever Heard

When speaking of a man that appeared on the scene after I had not seen him in many years, I feel as though he fed me the biggest line of deception I have ever heard.

He first says he’d like to go out with me and that he is waiting to see what happens, because I was trying to decide if I was really over one of my exes for good. Then less than an hour after I told him I just need a day or two of space to ponder some things he says, “I think I came into your life at a bad time…figure out your true feelings….maybe we should just be friends…”

For a few minutes I bought what he said hook, line, and sinker actually almost believing he really did care about me after all. However, then thought, wait a minute. Why is he really saying this to me?

To be fair, the person who said this to me said it because I was still dealing with an ex boyfriend that I really wanted more than anything to be over. I get that part. It was partly because of my situation that he said it.

However, it was hard for me to forget that this person who came into my life after I had not seen him for many years had a reputation. This reputation started some months after he and I broke up back in high school.

Back in the day, I saw the way he was in social situations after our relationship ended. One time in particular, I walked towards him to talk to him while we were on the dance floor, and I swore he saw me coming. So what does he do? He asks another girl right in front of me to slow dance as if I never even existed.

I guess you could say that this was the time when I decided I should get on with my life. I figured if he didn’t even want to take the time to say hi to me even for one minute then he probably never really cared about me at all when we dated.

To be fair, the following year he did begin trying to talk to me more. However, by then I was already moved on. I didn’t really want to be a part of his wicked game if that is the way he wanted to play things-only talk to me when he sees fit and not when I want to talk to him. I don’t need someone who is going to treat me with such a low level of regard.

The last time I saw him for over 15 years was when he had come into my place of employment with a girl. Then, a few days later he calls my work and asks me out. Now, I know I didn’t know the status of this girl he was with and I could’ve just asked when he called me, but instead I just hung up on him.

I was wrong for not finding out the truth before I hung up on him. Still, I wanted to be totally sure that he was the one and if not it would be someone else eventually, plain and simple. I didn’t want to play any games.

(Besides, that was the only time he ever really tried. Maybe if he would’ve tried harder I might’ve been more convinced he cared, I don’t know. For all I know maybe he just wanted to nail me. I also figured I’m young I have time to find someone who really is more decisive about what he wants.)

I never wanted to play his games, so when this individual came back into my life years later demanding that I “figure out my true feelings” I was flattered but cautious. I should tell you that he did ask me for forgiveness that he was young and immature, and I told him I did forgive him.

However, I was shocked when he didn’t seem to understand that I couldn’t just immediately trust him. I was shocked that he equated forgiveness with total trust but that’s not the way it works! Forgiveness is free but trust has to be earned.

I’m not sure what exactly he really ever wanted from me, because we never even really got the chance to talk much about it. I had other issues to deal with in the past three years, and didn’t feel obligated to just drop everything for him. After all, we spend almost two decades apart-never even barely talking. Why should now be any different?

Besides, I don’t think I was the only one with issues if he wants to just all of the sudden tell me he wants to just be friends only an hour after I tell him I need a couple of days of space to think. If he is really that impatient then maybe that is another red flag. Maybe he really did never care that much!

(Oh, but silly stupid me for even thinking it is possible to be the #1 woman in his life! I’m even more stupid for thinking I had the “right” to want to be #1!)

He seemed to be way too demanding for me to figure things out, but I just could not make a decision right then. The main reason why is I feel I have the right to know what I am getting myself into before I commit to someone, and I wanted to take the time to get to know him better.

The problem was, besides not trusting him fully I also was not quite ready for a new relationship. I still had a long string of my own unresolved issues. Therefore, I kept putting off seeing him, and perhaps for way too long. If so, I guess I have to accept that and let go of the hurt sooner or later so I can live a happy, productive life.

Even so, he should’ve realized that I cannot just immediately trust him after he played games with me for so many years never being very clear about what he wanted from me. It was just not right. He should’ve never been demanding me to figure out my true feelings if he didn’t even know what he wanted from me.

He was never really clear about how he felt about me and even went as far as to tell me a year or so after he demanding me to figure things out that I “wasn’t what he was looking for mentally or physically.” All coming from a guy who told me to figure out my true feelings!

(I half expected he would reject me once I decided I really wanted to give him a chance. I was prepared for that, but it didn’t stop the fact that it still hurt like a ripped-off bandage. Just when I start to think I can trust him he rejects me again! I think he enjoys what he does and thinks it’s a game!)

I’m so hurt when I write this-feeling so very deceived by this person who I feel has told me nothing but a bunch of sweet lies for all the wrong reasons. I truly hope has found someone else’s mind and emotions to torment because I am through-really through this time!

I don’t want to be his friend. I don’t want to be his enemy. I just want to live as though he never existed and I never met him. It’s just better that way. I’m tired of wasting my time with people who were not meant for me. I just want to have feelings for and fall in love with “the one” not devilish impostures of “the one.”

I do know though…

Sooner or later I might have to face this individual one last time. I probably have to hear him tell me who he things “the one” is this week. I will have to refrain from laughing in his face-or crying-because as far as I know he thinks every woman he has a crush on is “the one.” Who can trust someone like that??