Saturday, February 18, 2012

'You're Not What I'm Looking for Physically or Mentally" -- Lame Excuse or the Truth?

Originally written in 2012, updated in 2014

 '"You're not what I'm looking for physically or mentally," said someone for whom I still had romantic feelings. My first love told me this about a year and a half after he begged me for a second chance. He wanted me to at least be his friend and possibly date him again, but I hesitated. Then, I finally showed interest, and suddenly I wasn't good enough for him -- story of my life. 

Some Back Story for You (Good thing you're not Judge Judy. She hates back stories.)

In 2009, I hesitated to give this ex a second chance because I felt devastated after he dumped me the first time. However, he never knew how it affected me. For over 20 years, I carried on as if it didn't matter. After all, my dad told me there's "plenty of fish in the sea" and that I'll find someone else.

After our first breakup, my first boyfriend approached me once a year. He's say hi and we'd play intramural volleyball, or we'd just stare at each other awkwardly at the lunch table. I think I even gave him one of my school pictures. 

He also asked me out again about a year after we broke up but didn't give me time to respond. Before I could take a breath, he decided to say "no" for me. Since he appeared to think I would turn him down, that's what I said - "no." 

He also asked me for a date one more time just after I graduated high school. However, he did it only days after walking into the restaurant where I worked. I didn't recognize the female with him, so I assumed he wasn't related to her. Therefore, I hung up the phone on him after he called me at work to ask me to dinner. If he was with her, I didn't want to be his second choice. 

17 years after I last talked to this guy, I found out he and this young woman ended up married. He said they didn't tie the knot until after he got her pregnant, though. He also said he was single when he called me at work to ask me to dinner. However, I didn't believe him.  Neither my ex's nuptial year nor his child's age in 2009 (17) lined up with the age my ex said he was (19) when first married. 

Now, I Sound Like I'm on Steve Wilkos and Need a Lie Detector Test!

I always wondered what it would be like to know for sure someone is the one. If my my first boyfriend was telling the truth about being single when he called me at work, then I screwed up. If he lied, then he's the screw-up. I either missed my destiny, or he's a crafty con artist. 

When we dated in high school, I didn't think he was the type of person who would lie to a woman. In fact, I thought he treated me like a man should treat a woman. He took me out and didn't try to push sex on me and was a great kisser except after he smoked! I liked the songs he made up, and we danced together a few times, too. 

However, after he and I broke up, he appeared to enjoy partying with his friends than he ever did being with me. I don't know if that's true, but it sure seemed that way. Although, the last line of his breakup letter to me was "maybe your dad's can find someone better." Then, days later I saw him with someone else -- someone I thought was my friend. 

I never got a chance to talk to him about our breakup until five years ago. As I said, we both appeared on the outside unaffected by it. And maybe it really didn't matter -- at least not to him. 

Back to the Present -- From 2009-2011

I didn't decline giving my former boyfriend a chance just because he broke up with me before we barely hit puberty. Seriously, it's 2014. That was a quarter of a century ago! There's other issues that prevented me from wanting to date him again. 

For instance, he's a single dad now, and I already dated two parents. It's too hard to become attached to a man's kids only for the relationship to end. In two cases, it was because "he" still has feelings for his baby's mamma.  

Those relationships also didn't work because I didn't want to deal with custody battles and jealous -- even possibly psycho -- cheating baby mammas. I lived an unstable enough childhood with my mom and dad's breaking up twice. I didn't want to do it as an adult, too. At least not anymore! I'm tired of the dad who gets to keeps his kids as I walk away with nothing except a broken heart. It's not fair to the kids, but it's also not fair to me.

I also had one more reason for not getting married yet: I wanted to establish myself financially and feel accomplished in my career. I felt if I was, then I could say I've "done it all" while still single and could finally be a good wife. Besides, if my relationship fails, I could at least do what I love to do for a living - write. 

The 2011 Rejection

In 2011, I finally told this person who seemed to be so into me in 2009 this: "I want to spend my life with you." I know that sounds extreme, especially since I didn't even want to date him when he wanted me to. In my defense, he told me when he first saw me that he wondered "what if" he and I kept dating the first time. Not that he said he wanted to marry me, but the subject came up and it stirred up old feelings in me. 

However, I wasn't ready for marriage when I first saw him again five years ago, and neither was he. In fact, he only broke up with his longtime girlfriend of eight years about a year before I saw him. Moreover, I still hung out with two of my exes when I was lonely. I knew marriage wasn't going to happen, and I didn't even expect it 2011 let alone 2009. 

Therefore, when he said "Whoa! Slow down!" after I told him how I really felt, I wasn't too shocked. And, the only reason I said I wanted to "spend my life" with him was because I thought that was what he wanted to hear. However, I guess a year and a half can make a difference. Besides, every woman in the face of the planet apparently wanted to be with him. He'd like to think that, anyway. He had so many choices that maybe I was wrong for assuming he'd always choose me!

When I finally decided to give him another chance -- the chance that he originally begged for -- he said this to me: "You're not what I'm looking for physically or mentally." 

Ouch. That's all I can say right now when I turn my mind back to that time. I felt ready to try trusting him and he disappointed me again. Did he enjoy ripping my heart out like he did? However, I'm not too shocked. Guys would do this all the time. They'd feel infatuated with me, get to know me, and fall out of what they thought was "love." 

My Opinions About This

When I think of how I acted toward him in the past five years, I can't blame him. I showed a lot of insecurity, but I did it intentionally. I over shared on purpose like the woman in "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" did. I experimented on my "subject" to see what would happen if I broke every cardinal dating rule. 

My first love took it well at first, then I finally accomplished my goal. I pushed him away and probably drove him away for good. 

After I scared him off, I regretted it. I thought that was what I wanted to do because I already wasted too much time with the wrong people. I didn't think I would care if I pushed him away. Besides, I had no idea how I'd be able to get married anyway not even if he wanted to. I had too much on my plate trying to get my business off the ground. In additon, I needed to resolve feelings for two other exes. To make matters worse, I also had to deal with my dad running away with my autistic twin half-sisters after not telling me where they were for about a year. 

I had financial problems, too. Therefore, what's the point of wasting time dating someone I really like? Not only that, but five years ago I set out to stay single. Therefore, I chose not to give anyone I had feelings for a chance. 

What Might've Been Hurts Worse That What Was

This summer marks the 25th anniversary of when my first love and me parted ways. It's also 22 years since the time he last tried to ask me back out, yet I still can't get over it. 

I learned it hurts worse to not give someone a chance than to find out it's not going to work. On the other hand, I couldn't seem to find the right time to see him. He lived two hours away. It also didn't help that three exes including two I had feelings for kept trying to get me back. Therefore, if my first love wanted a chance, I didn't know if I could. 

My relationship fears also drove me into the arms of a person who's into me. However, I can't even enjoy it because I'm too busy pining over what might've been with my first love. 

I pray to God every day I get another chance at true love. At this point, I don't even know if it matters who anymore. I just want to know what it's like to have feelings for someone who really wants to be with me. The person I'm with now doesn't waver, but I'm feeling miserable that I can't reciprocate. I would never wish this fate on anyone. I need to be with someone I love enough to marry. 

If I Seem Obsessed...I'm Really Not...

James Altucher wrote in an email newsletter saying not to fall in love with someone who doesn't love you back. I don't think he meant that to be funny, but it makes me laugh. Unless I avoid everyone I'm attracted to once I know I have feelings, I can't control falling in love. 

I didn't plan on having feelings for someone who may not want me. It just happens. All know is this: Giving him a chance when I had the chance would've helped me get over it a lot sooner if he wasn't the one. I know that now. And believe me. I prayed every day for the past three years that God help me get over him. It's never been like me to hang onto anyone who's not the one!

If I See Him Again

I'll sit down with him somewhere face to face and ask him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth. Tell me what he really wanted from me. Then, if we both want different things, then it's goodbye for good.