Monday, February 27, 2012

Relationship Readiness-It’s in How He Talks To You: Watch for Inconsistencies


Note: Some of this can also apply to guys assessing women. I myself did some of these things when I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.

Clues a Guy is Not Ready

It can be hard to assess a situation, as far as when you first meet someone if they are ready for a serious relationship. A guy can even show quite a bit of interest in you at first and then weeks or months later he doesn’t come around anymore. However, if you listen closely to the way he talks to you, you can pick up on inconsistencies.

For instance, he might say he “misses having a woman around” or even that he wants to get married some day but he may still constantly talk about his cheating ex. If he brings up any issues with unresolved child custody cases that is another clue.

Additional clues that a guy may not be ready for a serious relationship include the following:

1. The obvious-he actually admits he’s not ready.

  • Of course, in rare cases he might actually tell you the truth before you get involved with him. He might tell you that he is not looking for a serious relationship. If so, don’t do what I did and expect him to change his mind. He usually won’t. (In one case a guy wanted a serious relationship, but wasn’t ready and by the time he was I was long gone-seven years later!) Don’t cause yourself unnecessary hurt by hanging onto someone who may never come around, or who might not come around for a long, long time.

2. He constantly cancels.

  • He says he wants to meet you but then repeatedly cancels. The worst is when he doesn’t even call to let you know. That is just plain rude in my opinion.  Learn from my mistakes and don’t let a guy treat you like that. This is one form of manipulation and control that you should not tolerate.

3. He makes vague statements about the future, but doesn’t spend time with you.

  • He might talk to you online all the time or on the phone, or even in person. However, he might only calls you when he’s “in the mood” for a little bit of fun. However, he might only call on the weekends or late at night, or he might return your phone call.

4. He makes bold professions of love to a woman online. However, he only wants to see you or talk to you in the middle of the night or during the week.

  • It is especially a read flag when he does this. If he doesn’t ever contact you on the weekends then something is up. If he only calls you on a work phone beware. It could be that he’s so poor that he doesn’t have a good-working phone of his own, but I’m sure at least half the time he has unresolved issues with an ex and/or is still living with his ex.

5. Never seems to want to go anywhere in public with you, especially in broad daylight.

  • This is one antic a guy pulled on me and it made me regret putting out to him. After several months I dumped him. I also stupidly kept going back to him just because I wasn’t over him, even though he hardly ever wanted to be seen in public. It was because of issues with his ex but still I felt I deserved better so I finally let it go.

6. Seems to be more interested in himself and/or the impression he can make on others than he does about making a life with you. 

  • This one is hard to explain, because some of it can be based partly on my own perceptions. Here is an example: Before I got involved with one particular person, we were great friends. We played music together all the time. Then, when we got into a relationship that seemed to get in the way of our playing music together. Then, when he met my musician friends he seemed suddenly enthusiastic about playing music again (and later I found out it may have been because he had a crush on one of my female friends, which I know he did because he told me.) I wanted him to succeed as a musician and I was willing to do anything to help him, but I also wished he would’ve been more in tuned to wanted to get serious about me as well.

I’m sure there is more clues that I would remember later.

I can’t help but feel a little bit guilty about bringing all this up, especially if one of my exes reads this blog. However, I think it’s necessary because sometimes guys don’t realize how much they hurt women. Not everything in their past relationships that went wrong may be their fault, but it’s hard to be the woman who comes after the ex.

I’ve been there and done that enough times to know what I’m talking about. Women shouldn’t have to feel guilty if they want to move on in life from a man who is not ready for a commitment.