Friday, December 2, 2011

I Don't Take Rejection as Well Anymore, But I'm not Going to Live in Self-Pity

Note: I've no more hurt feelings towards all but one of my exes right now. That's progress right? Forgiveness is instant but emotional healing is sometimes a process. I don't want to hold onto bitterness.

However, I sometimes cannot help but feel hurt when I think of how worthless I felt at times when I was rejected or at least felt rejected. I have to make myself feel better somehow, don't I? Also, sometimes I just need to vent. 

I am doing this in hopes to heal from all hurts of relationships past. That way, some day I can be ready for the right person. 

Now...onto the entry...

I have to admit that I do sometimes feel bad about mean stuff I say to guys when I feel rejected by them. All I can say is I'm sorry. I guess I say hurtful things sometimes because I don't take rejection as well as I used to. Also, I realize some day if I want to be married I have to accept a person exactly as he is. 

However, being sorry and even apologizing does not mean I'm going to sit around feeling sorry for myself because someone doesn't want to be with me. Some people might think I play vindictive games, but I don't. 

That is not my intention, at least for the most part. I just want to let anyone who ever rejected me know that I'm not just some pathetic loser just because one person or another didn't choose me. I show this by proving that I am desirable by other people who actually do find me attractive.

Sometimes it can be frustrating though. There was a time when I was going to just stay single for awhile and just focus on myself. The reason why is part of me is not sure I'm good enough for the type of guys I really want to date. Then, when I know I am satisfied with myself, I know I am good enough for people other than jerks.

It's not entirely true though that I'm not good enough for nicer guys though. Not only that but when I was in college I made eye contact with a guy who I thought never would've given me the time of day in high school. It's moments like these that help me remember that I'm not really as much of a loser as some of my exes would sometimes like to make me out to be-so it seemed to me at times.

Just because one guy doesn't want me doesn't mean that there aren't three or four other guys who do at any given time. I just happen to always fall for the ones who are too unsure of themselves. Therefore, they are naturally going to be unsure of me.

And I get sick and tired of babying this type, only to find out they will still reject me anyway. That is, the ones who try to think they are better than me as a way to boost their self-esteem still reject me anyway.

They reject me because they-even though they try to put me in my place and keep me feeling worthless-feel they are not good enough. Some men just simply think that acting like a jerk is going to win me over, but eventually unlike most women it will drive me away for good.

By the way, I personally think men who do this are just huge cowards. They are the type who will also run at the sign of any relationship trouble, always on the never-ending quest for something or someone perfect. 

However, I should admit I don't take rejection as well as I used to...

I'm starting to wonder if something is seriously wrong with me. But not everything is my fault. I know I have good things to offer to the right person and one day everyone else really is going to be sorry they ever rejected me.

But my version of ultimate revenge is not violence, except for maybe some hurtful words here and there that I shouldn't have said when I was hurt. I'm sorry for that, but I'm not sorry for the next few paragraphs I am about to write in a new entry coming soon.