Thursday, October 20, 2011

To Jerks who Want to Change: What it Means to Be a Nice Guy


It would be unfair to say that all jerks are beyond hope. I believe some of them can change, even some of the abusive ones. I think one thing that can help jerks who want to change is to let them know what it means when I (or another female) says she wants a “nice guy.”

I will tell you what my definition of a nice guy is to me. (What a nice guy is not is later, after this section, or click here to read.)...

I would say it is a person who is willing to take a chance on me, at least small risks. For instance, maybe he takes the initiative to call me up or asks me face to face if he wants to go out with me. If he is a little bit nervous I can understand that.

A little bit of nervousness can actually be adorable, because the guy is taking a risk for me. He is putting himself out there without making hurtful put-downs that jerks think they need to make. With that in mind, a nice guy is one who makes compliments and encourages me instead of saying degrading things.

For example, I actually almost decided not to date one guy who made fun of my “sagging breasts.” The only reason I agreed to go out with him is because he apologized when I confronted him about this. I let him know that is no way to treat a woman. (Still, first impressions are hard to shake and it was hard for me to respect him even though I dated him for years.)

I would rather a guy say nice things without being too polite than putting me down. For example, I think it is very impressive when a guy makes a non-threatening comment such as, 'you have a nice smile' or 'you have a good sense of humor' or 'that is a beautiful song you wrote' than put me down. I would rather have him say nice things than comment on body flaws!

As far as what activities a nice guy would plan for the date, it is little concern to me, and neither is how little or how much money a guy has. I happen to be a person who is open to doing almost anything-except for maybe golf, tennis, or basket ball. (I don't mind sports like swimming, soccer, volleyball, crochet, or football though.) I also like taking long walks or watching a movie.

I have a boyfriend, so single guys don't get any ideas from this. However, I am mentioning this so men feel more comfortable-like they have something to offer if they believe they have. I should clarify also that not every woman is high-maintenance or expensive!

Some women such as myself actually genuinely believe that simple first, second, or third dates are better. Going out for coffee, singing karaoke, or going dancing are more examples of a relatively simple night out. Believe it or not, I would not be impressed-but rather suspicious-of a guy who rents a limo, buys a dozen roses, or spends...mmm...more than $50 (and I don't even care if he only sends $10 to $20 if that's all he has) on a first date.

I suppose if I was rich my minimum standard would change. However, I always believed simpler is better for a first date.

As far as how a nice guy should act in a relationship...I just always wished some guys I dated were just as interested in getting to know me than they are in themselves. For instance, it would be nice if more men would stop requiring me to listen to and deal with all of their ex baggage. Yet, they do not want to show compassion for me for having family problems, or have ex baggage of my own.

I also think it would be nice if a guy would not bring up marriage, children, family, and so on when I first meet him. Furthermore, I would never trust a guy who says to me our first night out 'The person who marries you is going to be a lucky guy.” Seriously, what the hell does he know about me?

I am not trying to unsell myself or anything. It's just that I want a nice guy to want to be with me, not just want to be with his idea of me. Otherwise, I would feel like I'm living a lie.

A guy who tries to rush a relationship is often nice guy. However he may also be very needy, and usually guys who had been with quite a bit of women are the ones who would do this.

A nice guy would just act nice, not make fleeting promises...Instead of talking too soon to me about marriage he should just get to know me. He should just find out my likes and dislikes and allow me to get to know his likes and dislikes.

That way, I am not quite as disappointed if we find out we are not compatible and have to break up. I wouldn't feel like he aroused my feelings when talking about marriage, only for it later to feel it was all in vain. It makes a woman feel like she is being told she is loved and but maybe the guy didn't mean it.

I say wait to talk about marriage for at least a few months. That way, the entire beginning of the relationship will not be about weather or not you are going to get married. The other issue concerning this is that I don't think a guy should propose until at least six months into the relationship. 

Otherwise, if the woman decides that it's too soon she may feel pressured to say 'yes' but then feel like a huge jerk for saying later 'it's too soon.'

Most importantly, a nice guy appreciates a woman he is with, not take her for granted. Nicer guys realize that there are not that many women in the world with whom he would be personally compatible.

He also realizes that true love does not come along every single day. Maybe he wants to treat a woman well simply because if he doesn't someone else will!

He also will not take her for granted because what if something tragic happens to her and suddenly she leaves this world for good? A nice guy is able to cherish (at least most) every day he spends with a woman.

What being a nice guy doesn't mean (at least to me)...

Sorry, I decided this post is getting long. Therefore, please click here to read “What 'He's a Nice Guy' Doesn't Meant to Me.” 

The post about what nice guys are not supposed to do or be like will hopefully clear up some misconceptions men have about women. It will also help the nicer guys who wonder where they went wrong, if they feel they have disappointed a woman. Chances are it's not them, but the woman.