Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Just another Journal Entry: Venting about Jerks Supposedly Finding True Love and I Haven't

Last year around this time I had some posts up about “Who's the One” because I was going through a process of wondering if there really is only one right person for each of us. This entry as well as others I posted last year were down for awhile but I am planning to re-post them soon under the original date.

I am going to revise them so people-including some of my exes do not think I am crazy. I will say this though...

In spite of all my heartaches I still believe in destiny. I intend to not give up until I know I have found it.

For now I just need to vent (as usual)...

One of my exes from over two decades ago recently told me he found “true happiness for the first time in a long time” which shocks me. It also angers me. If God thinks he deserves true happiness then I deserve it too!

If God brings him someone that he is truly in love with then I deserve someone too -- only because that individual apparently never did love me. To explain, I started re-connecting with this old boyfriend a little over two and a half years ago after not seeing me for 17 years. He was thinking of going back out with me at that time, and told him I needed to take a few days actually only two days. All I needed was a short amount of time to myself to think.

I needed that time to think because I had quite a bit of ex drama to deal with at the time. However, my old boyfriend (the one I call my first love) I had just re-connected with seemed so impatient. Rather than just simply waiting two days to give me time to think, he all of the sudden decided he just wanted to be friends. His reason was supposedly because he thought he “came into my life at a bad time.”

The fact that I had some drama with a boyfriend may have sounded to this person I just re-connected with like a legitimate excuse for him to decide he just wanted to be friends. However, in my defense the person I had the drama with was a soon-to-be-ex for at least the 10th time. I figured that the recent relationship I was in was going nowhere anyway but I was just having a hard time letting go.

Because of my rocky situation, I felt the least that my old boyfriend could have just waited two whole days for me to make up my mind if I wanted to see him again. He couldn't though, and that hurt immensely.

After that, all I could think was maybe he just was looking for the closest piece of tail, or the closest warm body to cuddle up with. Maybe he never really did love me. However, in my heart I was still hanging onto him for over two years.

I hoped maybe when I was finally able to let all my exes go I would hopefully get a chance with the guy I call my first love. However, the more I tried to be this person's friend during my getting-over ex process the more I doubted that this first love of mine really cared. He always seemed to have some reason or excuse to not want to talk to me on the phone versus e-mail or text.

Therefore, if I seem a little bitter that he supposedly found true happiness can you blame me totally? I know that I am supposed to be happy for people who find someone-even one of my exes, but seriously...

I reached a point where I am tired of being friends with one or more of my exes just because they need a friend. It's just getting almost as old as I feel right now. I deserve to find true love too.

Another reason why I am so frustrated is because it seems that guys always want something better, different, prettier, nicer or whatever. I tried to change for them but they still are not happy.

Therefore, I just decided that if I don't want to be single on my 40th birthday like I was on my 30th I just have to stay away from all my exes. That includes my old school boyfriend.

And, to the one who supposedly found “true happiness..."

All I can say is it may be possible, but the chances are slim. For as long as I remember, you have seemed to always let your “unit” be your guide as far as choosing the one rather than following your heart. As for me, as many mistakes as I make I will never get married until I know in my heart the person is the one.

Along with that, I can say as frustrated as I am to have dated one person after another always looking for someone better or different, I know eventually I will be with the one. However, as of now I just hope and pray “the one” is NOT one of my exes...

Update 2014

From what I hear, the situation may not have turn out so well for the person I mention in this post. I feel sorry for him because she apparently hurt him quite badly and I don't want to even mention what I heard happened. 

On the other hand, it's frustrating. I really loved this person, but he was one more person that rejected me for wherever his little head in his pants wanted the most. Or at least that's how I feel. 

So, as sad as I am that certain things happened, I don't feel sorry for him. I can't feel sorry for anyone who never appreciated me when I was doing good at least. I also can't feel sorry for someone who was never really there for me when I needed him. 

As for me, I'm still hanging on to a situation I'm not sure I want to be in. However, the alternative isn't that appealing either -- having to be alone again although sometimes I like the idea.