Friday, October 21, 2011

Journaling: Love is Important, but So is Security and Stability!

Love is important, but I also need some stability in my life! I just wish I could have both, not one or the other.

Update on Ex Situation

Here is a good example of what often happens to me. An ex who was older than me (by 25 years to be exact) after over six years supposedly  all of the sudden knows for sure he loves me.

Those are the words that a woman wants to hear, but he's at least 3 years too late. (I usually would allow anywhere from six months to two years of getting to know a person before expect to know for sure if the person really does love me. He still didn't know if he loved me even after a couple of years.)

Now, when I say this I'm not trying to say I wish he would have proposed, nor that he always had to say he loved me. I'm not even saying that he and I should have tried in any way to make a life together. After all, he and I could not get along for longer than two days at times, and I think that was 50% my fault. I was hard on him at times, because I had issues of my own-fear of rejection.

(On the other hand,  I felt used-like I was only his girlfriend around other men and not other women, and only on the weekends and holidays. It was because of custody drama he had going on in his life, but still the fact that he issues is not my fault.)

The fact that we argued all the time is why eventually I changed my mind about him. (I didn't stay single for most of my life to be tied down in a very unsteady and unstable relationship.)

Still, I just wanted to be more sure how he felt about me at times.

I was never totally sure if he loved me. This was because of his stand-offish ways that caused me to feel insecure, not because he hardly ever told me he loved me. For one, I hardly ever felt emotionally close to him even though I did have feelings for him. It was because he seemed to mostly want the focus to be on him and the traumas he suffered.

Yet, I felt judged at least half the time when I would bring up some of my issues. For instance, after a family gathering I felt sad that my brother and me were not talking much.

When we said our good byes to my family and got back in the car to leave. I started to cry. I realized I did not like how my brother and I drifted apart, and I told my boyfriend that.

All he could think to say or do was to tell me, "Get on with your life." He said this just because my brother had his back turned facing the television and didn't turn to face my boyfriend to say hi to him.

What did my guy at the time expect? I wasn't talking to my brother and my brother didn't even know my boyfriend that well, because this guy never spent much time with my family even though I wanted him to! All I wanted was this person in my life to put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me, but he couldn't for some reason.

It hurt deeply, and the message perceived to me was that I am a crazy emotional basket case just because I was shedding a few tears. The above example was the hardest incident for me to forgive pertaining to this person. I was grieving, and needed comfort not judgment. However, that was unfortunately very typical of him and that was the main reason I was never sure he loved me.

If I ever feel insecure in a relationship, the above example is a main reason why...It's hard enough to not be told very often a guy doesn't love me. Then, to have a person who cannot really say he loves me give me the cold shoulder when I need comfort the most is a cut to the heart. And this is from someone who says "love is in actions not words!"

Another reason for insecurity is this scenario...I've been told that a guy loves me, and then a short time later he breaks up with me. This is the one reason why I don't even know if I want to date a guy I am in love with to give up the security I have in knowing my current boyfriend doesn't want to leave me.

Why I think the above scenarios happen to me: Is it my fault?

I think it could be partly my fault because I started to accumulate harbored hurt feelings over the years. Fear of rejection caused me to put up many walls over the past seven to eight years. I also said many things and acted in many ways at times that were hurtful to men.

However, I still think it is only 50% my fault that I felt so insecure. Not many of the men I dated really gave me much reason to be. They always kept me guessing, and I always would say, "If I'm such a bad person then find someone else!"

I wasn't saying this to give a guilt trip. I said it because I meant it. At times guys I was with would take so much out of me emotionally that I wanted them to end the relationship. That way, I could work on myself and have a better relationship in the future.

So now what?

I still stand by the fact that love is important, but so is security. It is very hard to find both in a relationship. I have dated some nice guys who would never disappoint me, but it's hard to find a nice guy I am actually physically or emotionally attracted to.

In the end, when I date a nice guy I felt like I am "the jerk" not him. This is hard too, because it's hard to tell a nice guy who doesn't deserve to be hurt you don't want to be with him. The only good reason I can give is that I do not have feelings for or am not attracted to him. That is always a hard one for a nice guy to swallow!

(However, at least when I date a guy I am not attracted to I put myself in the shoes of the ones who seemed like jerks. I could never marry a guy who is not in love with me. Maybe at least one of my exes never had feelings for me at all.)

I feel more secure when I date a nicer, more considerate person. As a result, I treat the nice guys better than the jerks (treat them the way they treat me). However, I wish I could fall in love with one like I fall in love with jerks. Life would be so much easier that way, wouldn't it ladies?

The fact that I am hardly ever attracted to nice  (and/or stable) guys is too bad because...

jerks should not be rewarded by being jerks, and it's the nice ones who deserve more of a chance...but I must try to have some compassion...

Maybe a guy acts like a jerk at times because he is afraid of true intimacy. Maybe he is afraid of being hurt or rejected just as much as I have been at times. It could also be that he is just not attracted to me or does not have any feelings for me.

If a guy has not feelings for me I cannot blame him for not wanting to continue the relationship. I would not want to live a lie. Still, it hurts to have to go through that over and over again. It hurts and it would be nice to have a healthy, mutually-loving relationship with a person who treats me nice. Therefore, I am now in the process of training my mind, emotions, and hormones to only feel for nicer people.

What does it mean to say "I want a guy to treat me nice?"