Thursday, October 20, 2011

If I had Only Taken more Risks When I was in my 20s

In my 20s somehow in my effort to be so prude came across to many men as not interested. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was very interested but for a long time didn't want to get into a close relationship with anyone until I was closer to being ready for marriage.

I regret all of that now, because maybe if I had taken a few more chances when I would younger I wouldn't 38 years old and still not  married. Maybe I could have even had a child of my own. 

Now I may have to give all that up in the name of true love. I know I should have faith, but for the first time in a long time my faith is at its lowest. I'm not even sure I believe in true love anymore.

It kind of sucks because I used to be so young and idealistic. I tried to listen to all the advice older people gave me about relationships -- not rushing into marriage or not being too anxious to get married. Oh and not to mention all the messages about being financially, emotionally, and spiritually stable before marriage.

Looking back, I think that if everyone waited for the perfect time to get married the earth would die off in about 10 years. I'm done trying to live up to a higher standard than everyone I know. I should have never been expected to in the first place. Now I feel like I am in a terrible race to make up for lost time because I never allowed myself the chance to live my own life and make my own mistakes.

Along with that, I want to say if people I know think I am crazy it's because I feel worn out, spent, and feeling like I have nothing left to give (to the wrong people). At least I have nothing more to give to anyone who has very little emotionally to give back. I am also exhausted from having spent too many years trying to do everything on my own all the time while other women had men take care of them.

But this doesn't just apply to relationships, it also applies to life in general...

The irony is that some people close to me say I don't listen to anyone, and usually they say this during times when my life is not going well. However, nothing could be further than the truth. I had all my life listened to people way too much! It's time for me to live my own life once and for all and make my own choices.

I no longer will stand for anyone's negativity and I owe it to myself to just life my life to the fullest, and right or wrong have my own experiences. I am done just hearing other people's stories. I lived in the shadow of countless people for way to long and it's time to just be myself and fulfill my own destiny.

Update 7-15-14 -- It's Official. I'm Single at 40

In my defense, my most recent boyfriend asked me to marry him. However, I just can't do it because he's not the one. I don't even have feelings for him like I would want to have for someone I want to marry. 

Take Chances if you Don't Want to End up Like Me

My life turned out nothing like I hoped it would at my age. I never thought I would be one of the kind of women who settles. The ironic thing is, I had been in love about six times and proposed to at least twice before this. I have no idea what it was I was waiting for because I was told too many lies by parents, teachers, preachers and friends who taught me nothing. 

This also didn't help matters: The only message I gleaned from most of the relationship books I read is how to avoid getting hurt, abused or cheated. Years later, I wish I wouldn't read more about how to not end up feeling lonely, alienated and shunned by society. 

It's embarrassing being single at 40. Therefore, if you can do anything at all to avoid this plight I would say do it. On the other hand, if you're with someone who's obviously abusing you, it's better to be single at 40 than divorced with kids you don't want the man to see.