In my 20s somehow in my effort to be so prude came across to many men as not interested. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was very interested but for a long time didn't want to get into a close relationship with anyone until I was closer to being ready for marriage.
I regret all of that now, because maybe if I had taken a few more chances when I would younger I wouldn't 38 years old and still not married. Maybe I could have even had a child of my own.
Now I may have to give all that up in the name of true love. I know I should have faith, but for the first time in a long time my faith is at its lowest. I'm not even sure I believe in true love anymore.
It kind of sucks because I used to be so young and idealistic. I tried to listen to all the advice older people gave me about relationships -- not rushing into marriage or not being too anxious to get married. Oh and not to mention all the messages about being financially, emotionally, and spiritually stable before marriage.
Looking back, I think that if everyone waited for the perfect time to get married the earth would die off in about 10 years. I'm done trying to live up to a higher standard than everyone I know. I should have never been expected to in the first place. Now I feel like I am in a terrible race to make up for lost time because I never allowed myself the chance to live my own life and make my own mistakes.
Along with that, I want to say if people I know think I am crazy it's because I feel worn out, spent, and feeling like I have nothing left to give (to the wrong people). At least I have nothing more to give to anyone who has very little emotionally to give back. I am also exhausted from having spent too many years trying to do everything on my own all the time while other women had men take care of them.
But this doesn't just apply to relationships, it also applies to life in general...
The irony is that some people close to me say I don't listen to anyone, and usually they say this during times when my life is not going well. However, nothing could be further than the truth. I had all my life listened to people way too much! It's time for me to live my own life once and for all and make my own choices.
I no longer will stand for anyone's negativity and I owe it to myself to just life my life to the fullest, and right or wrong have my own experiences. I am done just hearing other people's stories. I lived in the shadow of countless people for way to long and it's time to just be myself and fulfill my own destiny.