Friday, May 1, 2009

Grieving the Loss of Innocent Love

This is one of a handful of posts on this site that is not written in an
angry tone. It is more about the grieving of the loss of innocent love I
wish that I always had in my life-you know the kind that is without
expectation or "requirement" of sex in relationships, as if sex is something
that a person cannot live without.

I was watching this movie set back in the days of old fashion times. In it
was a young man (albeit he was not yet 18) and a young girl.

They had such an innocent love, and the respectful way that the man courted
her just blew me away. I don't expect dating to be exactly like that, but
nevertheless, I was crying while watching this. It reminded me of a way more innocent relationship I had long ago-when I was still in high school.

After I grieved the loss of innocence, I was crying out to God. I was wishing that I would have had more of that growing up (that innocent love). But I was also thinking about now, and
about how I want so badly to have a mutually loving, caring, supportive,
healthy relationship.

One where the two people actually help one another, encourage one another,
and are there for one another. One where the two people actually do what it takes to make a relationship work-but not just the bare minimum, enough to get by. It's been so long since I've had that, or wait have I really ever had that? Not really now that I think about it.

I have never had the kind of relationship where the person
trusts me at least enough to not think I am going to screw up his whole
life. One who doesn't feel that he has to second guess everything I do.

I also want to have the kind of relationship in which I am close to that
person's family and he is close to mine. Not just one way, one sided.

That is what I want more than anything in the entire world, and has always
been something I wanted-a mutual relationship. I don't any relationship I
have ever had was that way, and I don't like knowing that at all.

I have a lot of regret-regret that I never waited for true love and instead
gave in and accepted every counterfeit that came along. Maybe some day I will learn and maybe I can have true love once and for all.