Friday, November 28, 2008

I'm Not Going to Give up Family Time for Ambivalence

In my personal effort not to make someone a priority who only considers me an option, I further explain this point: I'm not giving up family time for ambivalence.

I am no longer ever going to give up any of my holiday family time for ambivalence-time otherwise spent with a man who may or may not want to be with me. I have been through too much hurt over the years while feeling guilty that I want to have a man involved in my life who wants to be in my life. Who do people think they are anyway?

I mean, just recently I was thinking about getting back together with an old boyfriend, but hesitated because I was almost certain it would be the same old routine. He had this habit of wanting to want to drag me into his problems and I no longer have the energy to play his games. Nonetheless, I gave him yet another chance to see if he'd show me as much interest in me as in himself.

The Story

Recently, he wanted to have me drop him off at his brother's house on Thanksgiving because his license were temporarily suspended. He also wanted me to drive him on the other days when he had work to do as well. (He had a car but no license.)

Yet, he really didn't say much about us spending Thanksgiving together at all. He mentioned the possibility of us doing so a few weeks ago but I wasn't sure then. After all, we had just gotten back together.

I just hoped he wouldn't decide two days before that he didn't want to spend the holidays with me. On the other hand, that was typical of him other times we were together. We would talk of plans, even plans to get married, and none of it happened.

Therefore, it didn't surprise me too much that he didn't really show much enthusiasm for us spending Thanksgiving together. I decided not to make a big deal out of it except to say that I will just see him when I see him and I spent the holidays with my mom. I decided after that not to be in a committed relationship with him.

The point of this is...?

I decided if he wasn't going to show much interest in my life as he has in himself that I wasn't going to get too wrapped up in his drama. I did what I had to do for myself. I just hung out with him whenever I felt like it after that because I didn't have the emotional energy for a one-sided relationship anymore.