Sunday, June 22, 2014

To Men who Thought I Expected Perfection: My Current Screw-up is Quite Humbling

My talk about men on this blog might give you the impression I think all males are undependable creatures. However, my current screw-up today humbles me. Plus, I don't really think all men let women down. 

I'm too embarrassed to get into the details, but I feel absolutely horrible because I let my brother down today. He didn't appear mad about it, but I still feel bad. I got caught up in a work thing that I didn't realize was due as soon as it was, and so I ended up not being able to meet up with him as I promised. 

I'm beating myself up quite a bit about it, so even if he was disappointed and didn't show it, he didn't have to. I'm punishing me enough for the both of us as it is! 

It sucks, because my brother is one person in my family I didn't want to let down, especially after all the help he gave me over the years. However, at least I got off my high horse. 

I Don't Want Perfection, Just Love!

I don't want perfection, just love. Therefore, I'm going to clarify this: I never wanted perfection from anyone I dated -- just the assurance he was going to be around for me next week just like he was this week. 

I'm saying this because perhaps some of my demands I made on men in my younger years came across as perfectionism. Some of that has to do with the parental expectation that a man make a certain amount of money, be able to afford elaborate dates, and all the other unrealisms that moms and dads may have for their "little girl."

It's not The Things that Matter, but Rather the Intent

Women in their younger years -- from maybe age 18 to age 35 -- become fixated on watching out for the exterior demonstrations of love. For instance, the size of an engagement rock, the number of days in a week in which a man calls her, and frequency of planned dates matters to her. Perhaps whether or not he has a steady job or a stylish enough of a vehicle might matter to her. 

However, as a women grows up, she realizes that these superficial things just don't matter. It's not what a man can do on the outside but rather how he feels on the inside that matters the most. But he has to know how to show it!

So, how Should a Man Show His Intent? 

Maybe a man does have genuine intentions toward the woman he's with. In other words, maybe he really does love her. However, all the love in the world doesn't make a pile of difference to a woman if he doesn't know how to convey that love to her. If a woman has no idea how a man feels, how will she ever know? 

In any situation, it helps if a man can communicate his feelings for a woman in a way that lets her know he's in it for the long haul. As far as how to express his emotions, it takes getting to know a woman and understanding what's important to her. Then, he can more easily find a way to show her how much he cares. If he doesn't take time to find out what's important to her, she may never have any idea how much she means to him. 

But Isn't Every Woman the Same?

The short answer: No! Every woman has different expectations, and a man has to figure out what the woman he's with really wants. To men: Don't fall for the "one size fits all" types of "relating to women" books out there. That material will get you in trouble!

Recommended Reading Material for Men

I didn't intend on using this blog to teach men on how to treat women. However, it's turning out that way! The book I recommend is a spin-off of the popular "Five Love Languages" book. 

The 5 Love Languages Men's Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Friday, June 20, 2014

Who's Really the Self-Absorbed Ones, Men or Women?

This has been the darkest year of my life. My dad committed suicide and I have to see my sisters in the company of a foster mom I don't even know and about three social workers. Because of all this stress, I'm barely able to stand on my own two feet and be strong. 

Therefore, I do feel bad that some of the men I dated in my past felt judged. However, I just can't help any one right now. I have to take care of myself. As I said in other posts, I have no energy to baby emotionally available men or single dads anymore. 

Regarding this, I've said this: Most of the single dads I know messed around a lot when they were younger. Now, I add that the only reason some of them might've grown up is because they now have one or more children. I get that because of their children they're not the same, irresponsible people they used to be. However, it feels too late for me to give at least one of the persons I had feelings for a chance. 

I Have Nothing to Give -- Or Do I?

Maybe at least one person I used to date was right. Maybe I really am self-absorbed. I don't really want to be, but lately I feel as if I have nothing left to give -- no compassion, no encouragement and no sympathy.

In my defense, I spent over a decade of my life so far babying men who can't barely even take care of themselves. They also would whine too much about the "B@tch" they gave everything to. Yet from them I would receive almost no emotional support. I'm not saying they at times half-heartedly showed me they cared. However, it was rare.  

Therefore, about three years ago, I decided what I really wanted was to be alone for a while. However, I unfortunately never got the chance -- came close but every time I tried to get my own place I would run into personal and financial obstacles and didn't feel ready. 

Where was a Man when I Needed Him?

Men seem to be able to get away with being such babies until at least their mid-40s or even well into their 50s and 60s. Whatever they want the women cater to them and usually hoping the men will marry them. 

Feed up with Having to be the Strong One

Sometimes, a woman who caters to a needy man might result in him wanting to marry here. However, this phenomon often causes great resentment in a woman as she ages. I myself got tired of putting (most of) my all into a relationship and get very little in return. 

It's not that I needed a man really, but it would've been nice to have one around more in my younger years. However, most men at that age usually just want to do what they want to do regardless of whether or not it will break a woman's heart. 

Don't get me wrong. I've grown accustomed to not depending on a man. However, it just would've been nice if I could've found one a lot sooner than I did and not miss out on having children. 

Abandomment Issues Many Women Face

On top of all that, many men abandom them during the midlife crisis years. Therefore, if a female seems a bit high-maintenance and selfish later in life, it's more than likely because she's fet up with having to be the strong one all the time. 

However, I'm probably fortunate to say that I learned how to live without a man from an early age on up until now. I was abandoned by the first person I ever cared about just so he could party and do whatever he wanted. I was forced to carry on all alone. 

However, I also learned that I have to take care of myself because no man will take care of me. It's not necessarily true that most aren't capable, but with my experience with men, it sure seems like it. 

Love is Patient, Kind and Unself but not a Doormat

When I was younger, I was told to date men but don't expect marriage or to push the idea on them. When I didn't push the idea, the man would usually bring up the subject and/or push the idea of a more serious relationship. I actually had the opportunity to get married a couple of times. 

However, as much as I realize that love is not supposed to be selfish or impatient or any of that, it's also not supposed to be a doormat. Therefore, as if three years ago, I made sure I'm no longer going to be a doormat. 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

"I hope you're all happy seeing me at my lowest!"

For a long time, I believed I one day would have a happy relationship and a happy marriage in spite of everything that has ever happened to me. My dad, who committed suicide about a month ago (Easter Sunday 2014 estimated time of death), had sexually abused me for years. 

In spite of that, I wasn't going to let what my dad did to me get me down. I was going to make it. However, I wound up dating a lot of men who felt badly about their own lives. Therefore, any chance they could criticize me and say things to me after which I felt incompetent as a potential mother, they would. 

Then, I even had one family member try to tell me how incompetent I am. I'm so tired of it. I really am. I'm done with people shining their flashflight on all my faults. Deal with your own life and your own issues!

I'm not suicidal like my dad, but I do get discouraged by people's words. 

And, I'll be honest. I am extremely angry about the things people say. Who do you think you are? What do you really know about me? How often do you even try to talk to me? 

The only thing I have in response to it is this: I hope you're happy pushing people down just because you feel bad. I hope you got great joy out of seeing someone else miserable. 

Also, to all the people out there - especially men I dated -- with all your 20-something girlfriends or your wives and kids, and anyone else who's ever judged me: I hope you're happy. You got the thrill of wanting to put me down so you can feel better about you. However, just so you know, I don't think you're any more deserving of what you have than I am!

But I'm sorry, too!
If in the process of standing up for myself because I'm tired of feeling used and taken advantage of and belittled I said things that hurt other people, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone, either. However, I just no longer want to live my life feeling like people think they're better than me even though they too have problems of their own!

Friday, January 10, 2014

A Simple Diagram for Men who Think Women are too Complicated

I'm having some fun right now in memory of the exes who thought I was too complicated. Just in case they still wonder what women want, it's really not that hard. I decided to draw up a simple diagram to explain it, and in the process I hope I don't sound condescending. I'm doing this to prove that maybe I'm not the difficult one after all. 

Men, if you have no idea what women want, this simple illustration will help:

Hint: The red arrove pointing to the blue stick figure symbolizes what I want in a man.

Friday, January 3, 2014

To All the Men with a Low Self-Esteem and the Women who Date Them

I dated many men with a low self-esteem and If I could do it all over again, I never would have. Do you know why? If it weren’t for their low self-esteem, maybe I would’ve been able to get married before I’m too old to have kids.

Therefore, this is my message to men with a low self-esteem:

It’s okay to be on your pity potty for a short while. However, a lot of honest, semi-normal women would be happy just to have a place to live let alone a huge house and endless dollars. You may want better for you and her, but if you don’t stop feeling sorry for yourself soon, your girlfriend’s eggs are going to dry up.

Oh, and then there’s the ones who want to take out their low self-esteem on others. For instance, I once was happily planning a wedding during which time I had my fiancĂ© said, “You want the wedding more than you want me.”

I had no idea how I was supposed to try to convince him that wasn’t true, but he would say things like that constantly. He even said that women should marry a guy because they love him not just to have kids. I felt so hurt by what he would say to me that I’m glad we never ended up together!

It was as if every time I was happy he wanted to kill my joy. I wish he would’ve realized before it’s too late that I wanted the wedding and kids, and I also wanted him. Why did I have to choose between the first two things and him? Eventually I did choose, but instead of one or the other I picked none of the above! I don’t need that kind of guilt in my life. It's not my fault he felt so insecure that he couldn't believe I loved him.

It wasn’t like I was asking for the moon, either. I bent over backward to try to compromise with him so we could still have a halfway decent wedding for less than a thousand dollars. Apparently, even that was still too much for him, so he had to treat me like I don't deserve anything decent because he felt worthless. It didn’t even seem to matter that both of our parents would have probably contributed financially to the wedding.

I also remember a time when I just met a guy. While we sat on his couch together, all I wanted to tell him is that I’m glad I met him. I felt so happy. Then, all of the sudden, he went on this tangent about how he’s not ready for a serious relationship. I wasn’t even looking for a serious relationship at the time anyway, but just the fact that he had to go out of my way to tell me that really sent me on a downward spiral. Again with the not wanting me to be happy! Is there something wrong with me wanting to be happy?! Is there??!!

Oh, but the worst one was after I was engaged and this guy said, “I’m 29 years old and I haven’t done anything with my life.” I didn’t know how to handle that at the time. Maybe I was wrong in taking it personally. However, if we’re supposed to be married in a few months -- and he’s really this depressed -- I would have to deal with that for the rest of my life. Therefore, I decided not to go through with it. If and when I do get married, I want the man to be happy about it, not depressed!

To the women who date these kind of men:

Don’t spend too many years of your life babying them. Spend time on your own and get your own act together. Then, meet and marry someone with a better self-esteem before you’re too old to have kids – or at least before you’re too old to try to have your own kids even if it doesn’t happen.

Otherwise, you could end up living an extremely miserable life wondering what might of been if you hadn't given up so much of your self and your time to ungrateful people. You don’t need to waste your life on someone who feels so rotten about himself that he wants to drag you down with him.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Believe in Yourself if you Want to Have a Good Relationship

Coming from someone who’s almost 40 and never yet been married once, this might seem like advice I’m not allowed to give. However, I’m just speaking about men and women both believing in themselves. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Therefore, start finding it in within you the strength to carry on no matter what happens around you. You need love, but even if no one else were to ever love you again, you need to be okay with who you are now and you need to love yourself. (By the way, it’s not like I never had a chance to get married. My current boyfriend actually asked me to marry him over a year ago.)

believe in yourself -- orange2